Tasteless Jokes 98

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla-removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, my trained chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, and that’s when you put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the chihuahua."

A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "If I show you something you've never seen before will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender, with nothing to lose, says, "Sure."

The man pulled out a ten-inch pianist playing a piano.
The bartender was amazed and slid fixed him a drink. "Where did you get the ten-inch pianist?"

"I have a genie" says the dude, "and I have one wish left. I’ll let you have it if you’ll give me another drink."

"O.K.," said the bar tender.
The man says, "Be careful, my genie’s a little hard of hearing."

"I wish for a million bucks!" said the bartender, and suddenly 1,000,000 ducks appeared. "I wished for BUCKS not DUCKS!" the bartender screamed.

The man says, "You don't think I wished for a ten inch pianist do you?"

Three men, an American, an Irishman and a Pole, were all sentenced for their part in the assassination of the prime minister. Their sentence was to be locked in a big room for twenty years, but they could take one thing in with them. So the guard asked the American and he said, "I'll take my wife, so at least I can have fun," so the guards brought his wife in and locked in the room. Then the guard asked the Irishman and he said "I need liquor," so he was locked away with 20 years worth of alcohol. Then the Pole says "I know what I want I want: 20 years’ worth of cigarettes." so he too got what he wanted and was locked up.
20 years later The guards opens the American’s door and out he comes with his wife and three kids and they're all smiles. Next they open the Irishman’s door and he's sitting there laughing his ass off and invites the guard in for a drink. (he has no clue what day it is). Next is the Pole. They open the door and he says. "Anyone got a light?"

It was Sunday, and the entire congregation was sitting inside the church. Two of the older congregants had heard it all before and found better things to do during the sermon: an elderly man who always fell asleep, and a woman who always knitted. It just so happened that the two ended up sitting next to one another in the front row this particular Sunday, each doing their respective thing (sleeping and knitting).

The preacher began his homily: "Who is the creator of our great universe? Who gave us life to cherish and behold?"
At this point the lady who was knitting (with a double tipped needle) poked one end of it accidentally into the sleeping man's side. The man woke up and shouted, "GOD!!"
"THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend responded. "And who is the son of God who came down to visit the earth, and who died for our sins?"
The lady poked the poor guy again and this time he yelled. "JESUS CHRIST!!!"
"CORRECT AGAIN!!" the Reverend cried. "And what did Eve say to Adam after their last child?"
The lady poked the man yet again and, finally fed up, he yelled, "STICK THAT THING INTO ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN TWO!!"

Then there was the woman who married three different Microsoft employees and still died a virgin. Her first husband was in Training, and he kept teaching her how to do it herself. The second one was in Sales, and he kept telling her how good it was going to be in the next release. The third was in Tech Support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now."

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.

So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said

"One box of large condoms to register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting and,like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said,

"One box of medium sized condoms to register 5."

A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over he counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said,

"Clean up at register 5!"

There once was a young man named Brown
Who, while mowing his lawn, did drown:
It was dark and he fell
down the shaft of a well.
He couldn't tell his grass from a hole in the ground