Constitutional
Amendments
by Staff of Magellan's Log
On November 8, 2005, the voters of Texas approved this amendment to the state
constitution, 76% in favor:
SECTION 1. Article I, Texas Constitution, is amended by adding Section 32 to read as
follows: Sec. 32. (a) Marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man
and one woman. (b) This state or a political subdivision of this state may not
create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.
SECTION 2. This state recognizes that through the designation of guardians, the
appointment of agents, and the use of private contracts, persons may adequately and
properly appoint guardians and arrange rights relating to hospital visitation, property,
and the entitlement to proceeds of life insurance policies without the existence of any
legal status identical or similar to marriage.
Given that, and given a U.S. Supreme Court that is highly unlikely to see the
blatant discrimination in such an amendment, we feel it is our duty, as good citizens of
the Lone Star State, to give the legislature a running start on future improvements to the
state constitution. If we are to preserve the American Way of Life, the time to
begin is NOW. Thus we propose the legislators, as soon as possible, present to the voters
the following amendments.
Residents of other states, who do not wish to fall hopelessly behind the curve in
restoring this country to the original intent of The Founders, should feel free to begin
working to install similar amendments in their own constitutions.
Constitutional
Amendments
I.
All books not personally authored by God are henceforth illegal. Possession of same
shall be punishable by life imprisonment (possession of paperbacks) or death (possession
of hardbacks).
II.
All churches of less than 40,000 square feet, with fewer than
2,000 seats, without a deluxe full-immersion tank, and featuring weekly sermons in which
the words "hell-fire" and "damnation" and "faggots" do not
appear at least ten times, and without the word "Baptist" in their name are
henceforth illegal. Worship in same is punishable by life imprisonment (Methodist,
Episcopal, etc.) or death (Unitarian, etc.).
[Editorial Note: All Texans understand that any alleged church that is Non-Christian is
by its very nature simply not really a church and is not worth any notice in the state
constitution.]
III.
Any village, township, municipality, or city with a population
greater than 75 which does not have a Wal-Mart within its jurisdiction will suffer an
annual state sales tax surcharge of 200% on all purchases made within the legally surveyed
boundaries of said village, township, municipality, or city.
IV.
Private, non-commercial vehicles used primarily for personal and
family transportation, weighing less than 5,000 pounds and with an engine whose
displacement is less than six liters shall henceforth be charged a $100 penalty fee at
each fill-up, said fee to be deposited in and dispersed by the state lottery.
V.
Male Texans whose primary private part measures less than ten
inches when fully erect shall undergo corrective surgery at their own expense.
VI.
Ditto female Texans whose mammary equipage are less than E-cup
size.
VII.
All written communications (paper and electronic) shall be
subject to random sampling by the Texas Department of Public Safety, the purpose of said
sampling being to compute the average number of syllables in words used in said
communications. Persons whose syllable-average consistently exceeds 1.5 shall be subject
to remedial re-education until such time as said average falls below 1.5. Recidivist users
of words longer than 2 syllables are subject to monetary fines of at least $10,000 for
each recidivist incident. Formulators of amendments to the state constitution shall be
exempt from the effects this amendment.
VIII.
All residents of Texas, including newborns, shall henceforth
daily consume a quantity of beef amounting to 0.5% of their body-weight. Failure to do so,
or failure on the part of minors in the charge of adults to do so, shall result in
punishment of 10-20 years imprisonment and/or a fine of $10,000-100,000 depending on the
frequency and severity of the lapse.
IX.
All sports are henceforth banned within the state of Texas,
except those played on a gridiron one hundred yards in length with goalposts at each end
and one revered father-figure on each sideline. Persons indulging in sports not played on
such a field shall be subject to a fine of $50,000 per incident, said fine to be
contributed to the high school or college football athletic program of
the culprit’s choice.
X.
All residents of Texas who own less than 1/64th of 1/128th of a
producing oil well anywhere in the world may continue, in the great American tradition of
freedom and equality to cast votes in all elections; however, henceforth, their votes
shall not be counted.
XI.
Any married female within Texas who fails to put three square
meals on the table seven days a week, no matter what her employment status, shall be
required to convince a panel of male Baptist clergy convened in her home county that, in
spite of this failure, she is a good wife and mother. Failure to so convince said panel
will result in a fine and/or imprisonment as recommended by members of said panel.
XII.
Any Texas parent whose minor male offspring knows the lyrics of
more than one Broadway show by heart and considers the local priest to be his best friend,
or whose minor female offspring has a Little League batting average above .400 and
hasn’t worn a dress since age 3 shall be subject to a fine of at least $100,000
and/or imprisonment for 5-10 years.
XIII.
Any adult Texan who fails to make an annual pilgrimage to either
the George Herbert Walk Bush Library at Texas A&M University or to the entrance road
of the George W. Bush ranch at Crawford shall undergo instant deportation to
Massachusetts.
END
Back to Magellan's
Log 96
Magellan's
Log front page
Send this page to a friend.
|
