Fixing the Pax Americana

Clearly the vaunted Pax Americana is broken, has in fact been broken ever since 9-11. Even the imperial government admits as much as everybody from the president on down is always talking about how we will continue to exist in a state of war until the last terrorist is defeated.

Some "pax":

The entire American army bogged down here, rag-tag terrorists bringing death and destruction there. And there. And there. "Rogue" regimes giving blank checks to their scientists to build a membership card in the highly desirable nuclear club. China buying up American companies. The French incessantly yapping at our heels.

Some pax indeed.

What to do?

With a bit of imagination and a nod or two to the successes (and failures) of past empires, we’ve come up with the following easy steps to fix the Pax Americana, once and for all.

1. Invade France.
But, you say, the whole army is tied up elsewhere. How can we invade France?

Think history, dolt.

You don’t need an army to invade France. All the Germans had to do in 1940 was huff and puff a few times from their side of the Rhine and next thing you know there they were drinking latté at the Café aux deux Magots and taking the air on the Champs Elyssées.

Figure a thousand troops max to subdue France. (They don’t even have to be real soldiers; National Guardsmen’ll do fine.) Oh, we may have to put an aircraft carrier or two off the coast from Marseilles or Biarritz, but that’s no problem for a defense budget as bloated as ours.

2. Wall Off Israel.
The Israeli government, ever on the cutting edge of political science, has now walled itself off from the Gaza Strip.

Clearly we can do our bit toward world peace by walling off the entire country from its Arab neighbors.

Everybody will be happy (the Israelis can claim the wall protects them from the Arabs; the Arabs can claim the wall protects them from the Israelis), and voilà, peace in the Middle East.

2a. While We’re at It, Wall Off Mexico and Canada.
For obvious, if different, reasons.

3. Feed Africa.
How, you ask? Simple, really.

First you create a new cabinet post: the Department of Fast Food whose sole function is the mcdonaldization of all parts of the world that have not already been mcdonaldized. Especially sub-Sahara Africa (Antarctica will just have to wait).

Result: end of starvation and huge feelings of peace and gratitude everywhere. Plus think of the boon to American pharmaceutical companies from the obesity and cardiac problems in the next generation of formerly starving Africans.

3a. Add Saltpeter to All Servings of American International Fast Food.
Result: Birthrate plummets, further reducing starvation and increasing gratitude toward the empire.

4. "Donate" Large Statues of the American President to All World Capitals.
The statues will serve as permanent reminders of just who is in charge of dispensing liberty, justice, and extra fries.

"Donate" in quotes because the grateful recipients will understand that it is in their own best interest to accept and erect the statues if they 1) wish to continue to receive other imperial largesse, and 2) they wish to avoid being either 2a) walled off, or 2b) invaded.

5. Send Ann Coulter on World-wide Speaking Tour.
How better to strike terror into the hearts of all humans and bring even the most recalcitrant to heel?

6. Send Dick Cheney’s Embalmed, Lenin-like Body on World-wide Non-speaking Tour.
See reason for doing No. 5.

Practical Note: Cheney doesn’t even have to actually be dead. He can just not breathe during photo ops.

7. Pass Constitutional Amendment Requiring Karl Rove to Diet (See Photo Above).
The release of the inner, svelte Karl Rove (who hasn’t been seen since third grade) will do more to bring about true world peace that all the other above actions combined.

7a. If No. 7 doesn’t work, pass another constitutional amendment requiring Karl Rove to spend five years as a kitchen grunt in a Buddhist monastery.

7b. Create new cabinet post, the Department of Religious Right-thinking.
Purpose: To explain to the Fundamentalist Christians why No. 7a. is OK because if Karl Rove is a REAL Christian five years as a kitchen grunt in a Buddhist monastery won’t phase him. Amen.