Texanization

Your Guide to Success
in the Modern Imperial World

Commentators of a certain stripe, especially those who write for the New York Times or hang in Old Europe, speak often and disparagingly these days of the "Americanization" of the world.

As such over-educated commentators often do, they err. What we are actually seeing is the Texanization of the world.

Clearly it behooves us all to get with the program. How can we do that if we’re getting with the wrong program?

To help you adjust to the newly Texanized world, a brief quiz to reset your life-priorities in a way appropriate to this exciting, if sometimes puzzling, era. It is crucial to your success, indeed to your survival, that you understand reality as it is defined and lived in the Lone Star State.

Native Texans have no need of the following little exercise in transcultural adjustment. Others should pay very close attention indeed.

A Beginner's Guide to Texanization

1. What is the correct pronunciation of the last consonant of the name of the world’s most important geopolitical subdivision, "sss" or "zzz"?
Answer: zzz, as in Texazzz.

2. Pronounce the following: Waxahachie, Bexar, Mexia, Refugio.
Answer: WALKS-uh-HATCH-ee, BEAR, Muh-HAIR, Ruh-FURR-ee-OH.

3. You in your Ford F-150 pickup arrive at a four-way stop sign. Simultaneously with your arrival, a Prius stops at the sign to your right. Who goes first?
Answer: You’re not sure? No wonder you don’t understand George W. Bush.

4. Why do Texans never play poker on Wednesday night?
Answer: It’s Prayer Meeting night at the Baptist church.

5. Translated back into Old English, what does the expression, "I’m fixing to," mean?
Answer: I’m about to, or I’m going to, as in "I’m fixing to eat me a chicken friend steak."

6. If a Texan asks to borrow your pin, what do you give him?
Answer: Your Bic.

7. If someone asks you how far your ranch is from Pecos, which units of measure do you use in your answer?
Answer: Hours, as in "Bout two ahrs."

8. If a Texan says Hidee" to you, what is the appropriate response?
Answer: "Hidee," meaning "Howdy," meaning "Howdy-do."

9. If a Texan says, "Mona go" and there’s no one named "Mona" in the vicinity, what does he mean?
Answer: I’m going to, as in "Mona whup y’all’s ass."

10. If a Texan says, "Go rot" to you, are you being insulted?
Answer: No. The meaning is "go right," as in "Go rot at the necks stop sayn."

11. What is the proper response to the question, "Do you want a coke?"
Answer: "Yep, Ah’ll have a Dr Pepper."

12. Which of the following is not a native Texan: Robert Rauschenberg, Van Cliburn, Liz Smith, Patricia Highsmith, Molly Ivins?
Answer: Molly Ivins.

13. Where is the Cadillac Bar?
Answer: Laredo.

14. Where is "Boys’ Town"?
Answer: Nuevo Laredo, across the river from the Cadillac Bar. (If you don't know what Boys' Town is you need more help than you can get from this quiz.)

15. What time do Texans eat dinner?
Answer: Noon.

16. What is a crawdad?
Answer: Crayfish.

17. Which religious holiday falls on the Saturday closest to November 1?
Answer: The Opening, a.k.a. the first day of deer-hunting season.

18. Only one state in the union can legally, on a vote of its citizens, divide itself into five states. Guess which one.
Answer: You finally got one rat.

19. Does a Texan find this joke funny:
Q. How do you know which one is the Aggie on the offshore oil rig?
A. He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
Answer: No.

20. Or this one:
Why do Aggies have doormats inside their homes?
So they can wipe their feet before they go out.
Answer: See No. 19.

21. Or these:
How do you sink an Aggie submarine ?
Have a frogman knock on the hatch.

How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
Three. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.

How can you tell when an Aggie sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Answer: See No. 19.

22. You can use the same word to complete the titles of these songs which are among the most popular in Texas: "There is a Fountain Filled with -----," "Washed in the ----- of the Lamb," and "There Is Power in the -----." What is the word?
Answer: Blood.

23. If a furrner commits a gross breach of etiquette and actually asks you the size of your ranch, which units of measure do you use in your answer?
Answer: Sections, as in, "Purt near 20 sections." Note: 1 section = 640 acres = 1 square mile.

24. All of New England would fit comfortably in one Texas county. Which one?
Answer: Brewster.