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Part 1

Australia. Legendary lost continent, popularly believed to have been the home of a now-extinct branch of humanity known as "kangaroos." Folk tales have it that the continent, allegedly located in the Gulf of Mexico, disappeared following the Great Quakes and the collapse of the Ross Ice Shelf just prior to the Total Collapse in the 24th century. "Sydney," the common present-day term of endearment for cross-dressing men of exceptional taste, some scholars argue, refers to a lost city there. Extensive undersea explorations in the Gulf of Mexico have provided no evidence to support any of these claims.

bibel. Minor religious document, now lost. At one time thought to the be the basis of Krishnianity (q.v.) but scholars have demonstrated beyond a doubt that that widespread cult used as its written justification a different source (also lost) known to us only as WSJ(q.v.). Various fragmentary texts ("23rd Psalm," "Uniform Business Code," and "Cosmo's 12 Secrets to Pleasure Your Man," among others) have at times been suggested as parts of the "bibel" but no firm evidence has been forthcoming to support these assertions.

birds. Small, mythological winged creatures capable of flight. A few scientists have argued that such creatures actually existed in the pre-Total Collapse (q.v.) era, but no unambiguous evidence exists to justify this conclusion.

Borbydol-Mattle. Common 16th century icon, thought to have been used by a now-lost religion, known as "Borbydol and Her Friends," modeling itself after the ancient Roman Vestal Virgins. The religious interpretation rests largely on the fact that the two pristine artifacts which we have today (one in the Sao Paulo Museum of Antiquities, the other in the McMurdo Sound Museum of Art) were both found within a few yards of each other in a landfill in northeastern Utah, near a city whose name is lost to us but which is known to have been the center of religion in the ancient kingdom of USA (q.v.) Among the many puzzling features of the religion are the extraordinary proportions of the basic icon, whose exaggerated female parts are matched in world history only by those of the Willendorf Venus (q.v.). Scholars have also long argued the significance of the fact that all known surviving examples of the icon are made of the cheapest kind of plastic; the leading school of thought holds that Borbydolians abjured the esthetic excesses of earlier cultures which generally opted for marble when creating their icons, and instead found an inspiring source of modesty, humility, and a general sense of anti-worldliness in the Borbydol's common plastic body. See Lost Religions; Krishnianity; and also, Sign of the "T".

billgate. Although every school child knows the meaning of the verb, to billgate (1. to dominate through force, stealth, deceit, coercion, or any combination thereof; 2. to violate sexually), etymologists disagree about the origins of the term. Some suggest that a "billgate" was a disposable enema developed during the Plague Years of the 22^nd century. Others posit a phonemic reversal; as "flutterby" became "butterfly." This interpretation rests on an item in the surviving fragment of a 19^th century London newspaper concerning an executed rapist named "Gil Bates." A third possibility, now discounted as being beyond belief, is that a Mr. "Billgate" was at some unknown time the richest person in the world who through force, stealth, deceit,or coercion acquired personal wealth exceeding that of many nations. See also Watergate and the synonymous verb, to nixon.

cars. The ancients' delight in physically moving about in their quaintly cramped four-dimensional world is well-known. "Cars" were the primary means of conveyance in promoting this primitive habit. No intact examples survive (the various manias which swept the planet during the Total Collapse [q.v.] included one period of several years in which these vehicles were the object of a vast and destructive rage). We have only puzzling fragments (the Minsk Museum of Archaic Technologies being the primary repository) from which we have been able to deduce the following. While used for transportation, these mobile objects were also clearly totemic; we have nameplates attesting to the intense animal worship by the barbarian cultures ("Mustang," "Impala," "Jaguar"). While it is not entirely clear whether cars were designed for freeways (q.v.) or vice-versa, scholars are in agreement that the freeways functioned as pathways for cars. The means of propulsion remains a mystery, though a large quantity of detritus found in an ancient landfill in central Tennessee strongly suggests the use of artifacts labeled "8-track" as a source of motive force. Researchers at the University of Kabul tried to establish a connection between cars and petroleum (q.v.), but their efforts proved futile. See also Messerschmitt, Tonka, and Mercedes-McCambridge.

cocacola. It is easy to see how the present meaning of this common verb (to fritter away time) originated in the bizarre work habits of the pre-Total Collapse world. In that primitive era, it was not uncommon for people to spend as much as 15 hours a week away from their homes, allegedly at their places of employment. Such an arrangement, which today strikes us as so brutal as to be almost obscene, was even then dimly recognized as an intrusive "break" or "pause" in one's more proper nurturing tasks at home. Hence, originally "to cocacola" meant to work in a meaningless and self-destructive manner. See Wobblies, and also to fanonize.

Clinton, Bill J. Dates unknown. Historians now accept that Bill J. Clinton was the greatest leader of the centuries preceding the Total Collapse. Distressingly little is known about his career. He is generally believed to have thrived during much of the 75 Years’ War (q.v.). Scholars have confirmed that he single-handedly extended suffrage to all women in the world and that he led the forces which defeated the nefarious political movement known as
            "GMDaimlerChryslerToyotaFordFondaMobilExxon" (q.v.).
Folk tales survive concerning the minuscule size of Bill J.'s (as he is popularly remembered) sexual equipment and his various humorous attempts to compensate therefor. See also Kinsey Institute, Mastersandjohnson; Baron von Vorhaut; and lewinskism.

computer. A crude, slow, undependable, external calculation device, believed to have arisen and thrived in the mid- to late-18^th century, based on the slow electronic manipulation of 1’s and 0’s. Since no examples survive, present-day historians are at a loss to explain the popularity of such devices. It is known that they were widespread for a time around 1910. The famous Nazdak Bubble Scam in 1929 is attributed to the global reliance on these devices. It is also thought that the earliest Machine Addiction Laws may have been formulated in response to the excessive amount of time people spent with the devices. See also abacus; sliderule; and also hairypalmpilots.

defenestration. Before the Total Collapse in the 24^th century and the ensuing two centuries of the Great Madness prior to the onset of the True Renaissance, present theory, again based on the most fragmentary surviving textual evidence, holds that humans were, for reasons that are not at all clear, fixated on windows. There appears to have been some kind of primitive deification process involved, because the term is often found written with the "w" uppercase: Windows. We also have a few references to "fucking Windows," which has led to the assumption that not everyone agreed with the puzzling, widespread worship of what we think of as mere openings in walls. The term "defenestration" thus is used by modern scholars to refer to the disappearance from the world in the 24^th century of this overblown reverence for what is, after all, a mere architectural detail. It is now believed that a connection between defenestration and "billgate" (q.v.) is unprovable. See also Prague.

Europa. Minor peninsula on n.w. coast of Asia. Now called "World Park." 150 years of labor were required, but the World Government recently completed the removal of all evidence of human existence or habitation from the peninsula and restored it to what we think was its lovely, pre-human landscape. The re-forestation project has been especially successful following the eradication of all evidence of urban life. The only human intrusion now is the extensive hiking trails with their informative signage concerning "Rome", "Paris", "Athens" and other primitive, warlike communities which once existed there. See also Japantokyo.

football. Among deities in the pre-Total Collapse world, none achieved higher status than those worshipped in the Football religion. The religion, which involved a grossly perverted and sublimated form of our own orthodox homosexual behavior, involved the laying-on of hands on buttocks, the ritualistic jerking of the crotch, and the complicated manipulation of large leather balls by the priest class. Adherents were expected to attend services weekly at exorbitant prices. These funds, along with vast monies derived from priestly advice concerning all areas of human behavior, enriched both the priests and their hidden backers enormously. The chief religious holiday, known as Superbrawl, is still secretly celebrated on December 25 in certain parts of southeastern North America. See Primitive Religion.

Part 2 >>

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