The Official Magellan's Log
Global Psychic Weather Forecast Service

by Jason Twinhaft

We may still not be able to do anything about the weather, but at least we've got to the place where we can forecast with some reliability a few days into the future and then prepare to get out of the way of the really bad stuff.

The fact that you have come this far into this wildly quirky publication indicates that either 1) you are already accustomed to stretching your mind by various means legal and illegal, or 2) you have some kind of weird disposition in favor of mind-stretching generally.

The time has come, dear reader, to ask you to really stretch the old synapses.

Just suppose that what we think of as "weather" is only half (or less) of the picture. Suppose that meteorological reality encompasses far more than isobars, cold fronts, heat waves, and blizzards. Yes, I'm asking you to suspend disbelief for a moment and consider that, weather-wise, we inhabit a world subject to yet another of God's little pranks.

Imagine, if you will, that we are in fact immersed in realities whose forces, laws, and effects lie far beyond the scope of our vaunted scientific instrumentation and investigation, realities full of "weather" which, alas, is unknown to us but which nonetheless affects us profoundly as it changes from "stormy" to "windy", from "hot" to "cold", from "blustery" to "delightful."

For want of a more accurate term in this still-primitive world, we might call this "psychic weather," because, though we can neither photograph nor measure it, this weather has profound immediate effects on our minds and thus on our behavior.

Stretching your mind even farther, you might be willing to consider the possibility that such weather could even be the hidden root cause for our persistent belligerence, eh?

I know I'm asking a lot. But even after these first few years of the new millennium, I'm ready to bet it's going to be one kinky thousand years.

On all these shaky assumptions, I ask you to make one more: That a crazed staff writer for an offbeat Internet publication has come up with a way TO FORECAST THIS PSYCHIC WEATHER!!!

Could it be?

You get to decide.

On the next page, you can choose from no less that FOUR psychic weather forecasts: personal, familial, national, and global.

One warning (there's always a catch, isn't there) before you hasten thence:

Because of the extremely delicate nature of the method used for deriving each of these forecasts, I must call your attention to Twinhaft's Law of Psychic Weather-forecasting:

The accuracy of the prediction varies directly
with the purity of the inquisitor's heart.

Which means, fellow sufferer, that the only person who can get a 100%-accurate prediction is one who is 100% pure of heart. But of course such a person would 1) not be reading offbeat Internet publications like this one, and 2) would in any case have no interest in psychic weather forecasts.

Still, for us lesser mortals, a 75% accuracy, or even a 25% accuracy, may well be better than no forecast at all.

Go to the Official Magellan's Log Global Psychic Weather Forecast>>

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