Divine Aid
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet
rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with
its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and
his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds
and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home
from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom
today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there
was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm
coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for
sure!"
Hot Wheels
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his
parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche
costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen
dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy."I don't know her name-they
just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike
and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what
she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her
out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy
to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his
secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send
him the money. So I did."
From Shop Manual for a Honda CBR600F2 Motorcycle.
Easy Does It
Pinochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about
consummating their passions. "Every time we make love", she said, "I get
splinters!" So he went back to his maker, Geppeto, the carpenter, to ask for help.
"Sandpaper, my boy, that's what you need!" was the Geppeto's response.
A couple of weeks later the Geppeto asked Pinochio, "How are you getting on with
the girls now?"
"Women!" said Pinochio, "Who needs women?"
The Dangers of Life Without GPS
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a
degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a
human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer
and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything
ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep
got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed.
"Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people
happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good
looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all
screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened
around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up
timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
