Tasteless Jokes 71
Q: How many Aggies does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies? A: Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M&M's.
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!" Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you say?" Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge but he sees a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home. Marie say, "Why you back so soon?" And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge what say "Clarence 13 ft. 6 in." You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him from across de bayou."
An actor is indisposed just before the curtain goes up, and the director rushes urgently outside the stage door to ask anyone if they could say just one line at the start of the show for $100. The line is, "Hark, the cannons roar!" A man in the crowd says, "A hundred bucks? I'll do it!" "Don't forget," says the director. "The curtain goes up, you say, 'Hark, the cannons roar!'" "It's a cinch," says the man. He's standing behind the curtain now. The curtain rises, a roar of thunderous cannon fire shakes the theater to its foundation, and the man says, "What the fuck was that?"
And then there's the one about when Pia Zadora appeared in Diary of Anne Frank. Ms. Zadora was so bad as Anne Frank that when the Nazis came to search for her, a voice from the balcony yelled out, "She's in the attic!"
Conductor-envy "What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter. "I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra" "Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal." So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?" "Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stops in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends. Giovanni says, "Hey, Luigi, How was-a da treep?" Luigi replies, "Everything was-a perfect except for da train-a ride down." "What-a you mean, Luigi?" asks Giovanni. "Well, we board-a da train at-a Grand Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a big basket a' food, with vino and-a cigars for me, and-a we were looking-a forward to da trip. All was okay until we got-a hungry and opened up-a da lunch-a basket. "The conductor came by, wag his-a finger at us, and-a say, 'No eat in dees-a car. Must use-a dining car.' "So, me and-a my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big-a lunch, and begin to open a bottle of vino. "Conductor walk by again, wag-a his finger and say, 'No drink in dees-a car. Must use-a club-a car.' "So we go to club-a car. While-a drinking vino, I start-a to light my big cigar. The conductor, he wag-a his finger again and say, 'No smoke-a in dees-a car. Must-a go to smoker car.' "We go to smoker car, and I smoke-a my cigar. "Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and-a go to bed. We just about to have-a sex and the conductor, he walk-a through corridor shouting at top of his voice, 'NO'FOLK-A VIRGINIA! NO'FOLK-A VIRGINIA!' "Next time, I'm-a drive-a down."
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
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