Retro-mechanics
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..."


Hindsight
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was drawn to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Who's There?
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and an atheist?
A: Someone who knocks on your door and doesn't know why.

Oops!
A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh".

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh! That would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his 20 years of practice. Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably. Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, "It's swollen."

The Other Side
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Quickie History Lesson
Six Presidents were on a sinking boat.
Ford says, "What do we do?"
Bush says, "Man the life boats!"
Reagan says, "What life boats?"
Carter says, "Women first."
Nixon says, "Screw the women!"
Clinton says, "You think we have time?"

RECENT BUMPERSTICKERS

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My IQ Test Came Back Negative.

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Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I intend to live forever.  So far, so good.

Support bacteria--they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of Religion.

Getting the job done
A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed a man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:   1. WON'T BEAT ME UP   2. WON'T RUN AWAY   3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED.

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, but all to no avail.  None of the men met her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

WARNING!!! GRAPHIC IMAGE OF SHAVED PUSSY BELOW!!!
If you are offended by nudity,
do NOT scroll beyond this point.

More Tasteless Jokes>>

Magellan's Log VII

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