Magellan's Log: How Long Is It Anyway? Introduction

The Magellan's Log Fool-proof Formula
for Calculation of Penile Length

by Piongo Pisgah

Over the 5,000-year span of recorded history, how many hours of heart-ache, doubt, and, yes, disappointment, have human beings endured for want of a ready answer to the age-old question: How long is it anyway?

Would the tragedy of Eden have had a happier ending if Eve had only known the answer to that question before, well, you know...?

Mind you, we speak here not of the trivial and irrelevant flaccid answer to this burning question. Curious humans have long known--as Masters and Johnson confirmed--that the non-erect linear dimension is no indicator of the crucial, performative length.

Which other of the manifold sufferings and torments that characterize and shape human history might have been avoided if this or that potential partner had known the truth beforehand? Perhaps Leda would have dismissed the swan with an airy, jocose wave of the hand. Perhaps Alexander would not have stopped at India had he known the anatomical truth about his sweet young paramour. Perhaps Rosencrantz and Guildenstern would never have become an item, and where would that have left you-know-how, prince of you-know-where, not to mention Tom Stoppard as well? What of poor Josephine, who hadn't a clue about what lay (or didn't) inside Bonaparte's pants. Et tu, Oscar? The great Oscar himself might've not given Lord Alfred Douglas a second look. And, who knows, Eva Braun might well have laughed in Adolf's face, reducing him to a life of bad oil-painting. One can even go so far as to surmise that the 1960s denizens of your darker bars in San Francisco might have to a man turned their well-formed backs on Michel Foucault, which would've spared us all this difficulty with the obsessive-compulsive urge on the part of the French to deconstruct-deconstruct-deconstruct. Good taste of course prevents us from speculating about Laura and what tiny Methodist church in West Texas George would today surely be preaching in...

Whatever pain our predecessors have suffered from not knowing the answer beforehand, we shed one last tear for them and welcome this bright new day of certain foreknowledge.

After years of research in some of the farthest reaches of culture studies, I have at last developed a sure-fire, fool-proof formula that will give you the answer to this most intimate and pressing of questions well before you've committed yourself.

Though I have yet to hear from the editors, no doubt my peer-reviewed, meticulously foot-noted paper in which I outline my methodology will be appearing shortly in Nature. Suffice it to say that I have field-tested the formula on a statistically significant number of subjects, with startlingly accurate results.

For now, as a loyal staff member of Magellan's Log, I am pleased to release the formula gratis to a waiting world. Please, dear readers, try to keep your laudatory emails brief and to the point. While this publication has, in anticipation of a flood of communications, doubled the number of available servers, we do have our limits around here.

Of course I want to hear from you. Rigorous researcher and scientist that I am, I am also a human being and look forward to your effusive expressions of gratitude.

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