Tasteless Jokes 69

The wife pokes her husband. "He did it 50 times last year."

The sign on the next pen says the bull mated 120 times last year.

The wife says, "That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

The next pen has a sign that says the bull mated 365 times last years.

The wife gets really excited. "That’s once a day! You could REALLY learn something from him!"

The husband frowns and says, "Why don’t ask him if it was with the same cow."

Amphibian Aptitude
A well-endowed blonde goes to the pet store to find an exotic pet. On a box full of frogs is a sign: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 Each! Money-back Guarantee!"

She finds a clerk who packages one frog for her. As she pays, the clerk says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

At home, she reads the instructions and does what they say:
1. Take a shower.
2. Put on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a sex teddy.
4. Get in bed and put the frog down "there."

In bed with the frog, nothing happens. She re-reads the instructions and notices a note at the bottom: "Call the store if you have any questions."

She calls the store. The clerk says, "I’ll be right over."

Five minutes later he’s at her door. The blonde lets him in, saying, "I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man looks very concerned. He picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and says, "Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Gaelic Grouchiness
An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, my treat.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke, on my bill.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door. Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze ,please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there, see it, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?

Swedish Savvy
The phone rings at FBI Headquarters.

"Hello, my name is Sven and I'm calling to report on my neighbor, Ole Olson. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir. We'll look into it."

The next day the FBI agents descend on Ole's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They apologize to Ole and leave. Later that evening, the phone rings at Ole's house.

"Hey, Ole, this is Sven. Did the FBI come?"

"Ya," says Ole.

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Ya, sure," says Ole.

"Good, now, it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

No Rest for Blonde
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

And then there was the blonde lesbian… She kept having affairs with men.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle?
A: Trying to put batteries in it.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.