The
American Empire
"If You're Not With Us, You're Against Us."
Application for Admission
To be filled out ONLY by
the Head of State
of the Supplicant Nation.
All information provided on this form is confidential
and will be verified by Adm. John Poindexter
and the Office of Total Information Awareness.
Please note that in the New World Order there are no
"right" or "wrong" answers. There are only ACCURATE answers.
The U.S. Department of Defense loves numbers, but only
as long as the numbers are ACCURATE.
We understand that your
country is not perfect. Indeed, that very imperfection is why you are making application
to join us in the Empire, isn’t it?
Don’t be embarrassed by any of your answers. We are,
after all, here to help you and your country rise to the highest possible level of
Late Capitalist, free-market potential. The ONLY mistake you, as a leader of your
country, can make at this point is to provide us with inaccurate, misleading NUMBERS.
Failure to answer any question results in
automatic disqualification. Quantitative answers given in metric-system units will also
result in automatic disqualification.
| 1. Present number of advertising
agencies in your country: |
___________ |
| 2. Present number of legal abortion
providers in your country: |
___________ |
| 3. Present number of AIDS cases in
your country: |
___________ |
| 4. Estimated number of homosexuals
in the present government of your country: |
___________ |
| 5. Estimated number of homosexual
hairdressers used by the wives of the present leaders of your country: |
___________ |
| 6. Estimated average size of membrum
virile’s (flaccid or erect; please specify) sported by adult males in your country: |
___________ |
| 7. Estimated average quantity of
ejaculate per ejaculatory event in your country: |
___________ |
| 8. Estimated average female aureolar
diameter in adult females in your country: |
___________ |
| 9. Estimated percentage of adult
females in your country who experience release during a sexual encounter: |
___________ |
| 10. Estimated percentage of adult
females in your country who experience multiple release during a sexual encounter: |
___________ |
| 11. Present number of Boy Scout
troops in your country: |
___________ |
| 12. Present number of Roman Catholic
priests in your country: |
___________ |
| 13. Present number of Roman Catholic
priests in prison in your country for diddling with Boy Scouts: |
___________ |
| 14. Present number of your citizens
who can read and speak French: |
___________ |
| 15. Present number of your citizens
who drive either Citroëns or Renaults: |
___________ |
| 16. Average annual number of
tourists to your country from Iran, Syria, and North Korea: |
___________ |
| 17. Present number of your citizens
who have studied at an American institution of higher learning other than Bob Jones
University: |
___________ |
| 18. Present number of Baptist
churches in your country capable of seating more than 4,000 worshippers: |
___________ |
| 19. Please look out your office
window. How many American franchise signs can you see (use binoculars if necessary)? |
___________ |
| 20. In how many of your
country’s high schools is the study of the diaries of Ronald Reagan presently
mandatory? |
___________ |
| 21. How many citizens of your
country were punished for expressing glee while watching the events of 9-11? |
___________ |
| 22. In how many of your
country’s high schools is the wearing of jockey straps required in boys’
physical education classes? |
___________ |
| 23. In how many of your
country’s high school dressing rooms have you installed hidden cameras to surveil the
wearing of jockey straps in boys’ physical education classes? |
___________ |
| 24. How many tapes from said
surveillance cameras do you and your staff watch per month to check on the enforcement of
the wearing of jockey straps in boys’ physical education classes? |
___________ |
| 25. In how many of your
country’s high schools is the wearing of brassieres required in girls’ physical
education classes? |
___________ |
| 26. In how many of your
country’s high school dressing rooms have you installed hidden cameras to surveil the
wearing of brassieres in girls’ physical education classes? |
___________ |
| 27. How many tapes from said
surveillance cameras do you and your staff watch per month to check on the enforcement of
the wearing of brassieres in girls’ physical education classes? |
___________ |
| 28. Per capita consumption of beef
in your country per year: |
___________ |
| 29. Estimated number of persons in
your country who either own or have read one or more books by any of the following: Marx,
Tolkien, Lenin, Milne, Mao, Wilde, Trotsky, Austen: |
___________ |
| 30. Estimated number of persons in
your country who admire Martha Stewart: |
___________ |
| 31. Present number of remedial
English schools in your country capable of teaching the proper American accent as it is
spoken in and around Midland, Texas: |
___________ |
| 32. What percent of your
country’s GDP presently either de jure or de facto winds up in
American corporate treasuries? |
___________ |
| 33. The Empire’s B.O.F.
(Benevolent Oversight Factor) is presently 1:20, that is, for every 1 million of
population, we permanently station 20,000 troops in your country. What annual contribution
are you prepared to make to support the BOF troops (please state answer in US dollars)? |
___________ |
| 34. With how many countries that are
already members of the Empire does your country share a border? |
___________ |
| 35. How many members of your
extended family (down to and including third cousins twice-removed) are presently employed
by your country’s government? |
___________ |
| 36. The preparation of how many of
your country’s culinary delicacies involves parts or all of creatures that Americans
traditionally view as pets? |
___________ |
| 37. Does your country drive on the
right? |
___________ |
| 38. How many years’
imprisonment does your country apply for the possession or ingestion of large quantities
of mind-altering drugs (other, of course, than alcohol and caffeine)? |
___________ |
| 39. What percent of your population
died in the most recent famine in your country? |
___________ |
| 40. During the five years’
probationary period of membership in the Empire, what percent of your country’s
children will be able to memorize the entire New Testament portion of the Holy Bible? |
___________ |
Please add additional comments here which you feel
are important for your country’s candidacy for admission to the Empire. DO NOT write
on extra pages. If you can’t explain it in two lines or less, we’re not
interested in reading it.
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
Signature________________________________________
Name (please print)_______________________________
Official Title_____________________________________
Name of Country __________________________
Date___________
Present Duration in Office___________
Anticipated Future Duration in Office___________
Mailing Address________________________________
E-mail Address________________________________
AOL Nickname___________
Favorite Adult-access Yahoo Group____________________
Mail your completed application, with
SASE, to:
Secretary of Defense
Department of Defense
Office of Imperials Supplicants
The Pentagon
Washington, D.C., USA
In the lower left corner of the
envelop, write "YES!" if you would like a free, signed, complimentary photograph
of the Secretary of Defense suitable for framing.
Thanks for your interest in the Empire! We look forward to receiving
your completed application and wish you best of luck
in your future endeavors.
END OF APPLICATION
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