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The
American Empire
"If You're Not With Us, You're Against Us."
Application for Admission
To be filled out ONLY by the
Head of State
of the Applying Nation
Before proceeding to the
application proper,
please read—and heed—the instructions below.
Instructions:
All information provided on this application will be verified by Adm.
John Poindexter and his Total/Terrorist Information Awareness team at the Department of
Defense. , Remember: As with resistance throughout the Empire, lying is futile.
Applications are to be submitted ONLY by countries whose leaders answer "Yes" to ALL the following questions:
Preliminary
Questions:
1. Do you have scientific evidence to prove that your country
sits on one or more of these natural resources:
 potential oil
production of more than 100,000 barrels per day,
pitchblend
or other sources of uranium in excess of 1,000 tons per
month,
water and
foraging areas capable of sustaining at least 250,000
head of beef-producing cattle,
in-country
manufacturing resources to provide free of charge at
least three ashtrays per person,
coinage of
proper weight and dimension for activating Imperial food-
and drink-dispensing machines,
a trained
group of civil engineers able to design and oversee the
construction of a minimum of 10 miles of state-of-the-art
freeways
per day,
telecommunications
infrastructure with 500-channel capacity.
Your Answer ______
2. Are you willing to discard whatever primitive patois is presently
taught in your schools and spoken on your streets and replace it with Standard American
English as spoken on the Fox Network?
Your Answer ______
3. Do you believe that your citizenry will peacefully accept the sight of a
Wal-Mart beside a Starbucks beside a Hooters beside a Best Western Motel in the
larger villages and towns of your country?
Your Answer ______
4. Are all citizens of your country over the age of 5 presently able to sing from memory the
first verse of the U.S. National Anthem, or if not now, do you anticipate that
they will be able to do so within 6 months of the date of your application for membership?
Your Answer ______
5. Do you anticipate a peaceful transition from soccer to the National
Football League and from cricket to Major League Baseball?
Your Answer ______
6. Does your country have sculptors sufficiently talented to do
larger-than-life statuary on short notice of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld,
Paul Wolfowitz, and Leo Strauss for placement at convenient, attractive viewing points in
your cities?
Your Answer ______
7. Is the climate of your country such that it will support the growing of lush stands of
either Bermuda or St. Augustine grass around all residences?
Your Answer ______
8. Are your country’s borders sufficiently porous as to allow the migration
of adequate numbers of illegal workers to tend said grass?
Your Answer ______
9. Do you anticipate a smooth transition on the part of your peasantry from horse-
and/or ox-drawn vehicles to SUV’s?
Your Answer ______
10. Are you confident that your secret police and your psychiatric professionals have the
necessary skills and facilities to deal swiftly and efficiently with any internal
disruptive elements who may be violently resistant to membership in the Empire?
Your Answer ______
Did you answer
"Yes" to ALL the above questions?
If so, congratulations!
You may now proceed to the Application >>
How many voices of humor and hope
do you encounter on the Internet?
We need your support.
Thank you.
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