With George W. Bush in the White House,
what did you expect to happen?

Snap-on Deliverance
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a
bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the
mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped
his wrench. losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the
life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That evening, Mace escaped
from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning
the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.
Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!

True story? Or urban legend?
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs.Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Mama Knows Best
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

There's Always Be an Ireland
One fine day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!"

Nun, But the Lonely Heart...
A cabby picks up a Nun as a fare. He decides to see if he can embarrass her.

The cabby says, "Sister, what do nuns think about oral sex?"

The sister replies, "A lot has changed in the church. We tend to think of oral sex about the same way as masturbation, as long as it doesn't violate the principles of marriage."

The cabby decides to press on, "Sister, what do you personally know about oral sex?"

The sister replies, "I have read about various techniques, but I am a little shy on practice."

The cabby senses an opportunity. "Sister, how would you like to practice on me?"

"Well, you must be Catholic and single."

The cabby replies, "Yes, Sister, I am".

They pull off the road, the driver moves to the back, and the Nun gives him the most incredible oral sex he has ever had. The cabby moves back to the front of the car and starts driving.

The cabby finally has to speak, "Sister, that was the best I've ever had, but I feel guilty and have to tell you something. I am actually Jewish and I'm married."

To which the nun replies, "That's okay, my son. My name is Greg and I'm on my way to a costume party."

Redneck Lottery Winner.

Distance Counts
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose. (Something Congress came up with!) The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.00.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.00.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man. "From the tip of my penis to my balls."

The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your balls?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

Seven-card Blush
God summons St.Peter, "St.Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high profile candidates waiting at the gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I'm going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate.

You'll have to go and decide who is most suitable."

St. Peter goes down to the pearly gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versacci and Princess Di waiting for him.

He says "I'm afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason for admission into heaven."

Freddie says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better."

Gianni says, "I was earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions - long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better."

Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "Ok, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day"

Freddie and Gianni are mortified. "What's going on here?? We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don't"

St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sorry guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day".

Sign Language
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw and he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear everything, so he does sign language instead. He points at his eye meaning "I", he points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets angry and he runs down to the 1st floor and yells "What the fuck is wrong with you? I need a handsaw!"

The other guy says : "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you that I'm coming.

Monopolistic Sex
And then there was the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin:

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now...."

Last Judgment
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily."I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."