Redneck PDA.

Tasteless Jokes 63

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The Texas father smiled proudly and said, "Just had him circumcised!"

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, "But sir, I can see from up here that you're at least a size 11."

The guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe."

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them , ties them tight, and then stands up in obvious pain.

The salesman has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"

He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is fucking my best friend, my daughter is pregnant, and my son is a Republican. The only pleasure I’m going to have in life is taking off these fucking shoes."

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. "

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The final fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Errors in architecture, No. 6,392.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent but fruitless search up and down the East coast, he started to head west.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"

Once upon a time, there was a very wealthy, but very shy, and very lonely, young man, who lived in the country.

It so happened that a bridle path went through his back yard. One day, a beautiful young girl rode her horse along the bridle path and through his yard. He fell in love with her on sight, but was too shy to follow her.

The next day, at the same time, the girl rode past again.

Again, the young man was too shy to pursue her. This went on for weeks, and the young man fell ever more deeply in love with her, and his frustration grew, and he cursed his shyness. He decided he must do something; but what?

It came to him in a flash; he would paint his horse green, and tie it up by the bridle path; surely the girl would notice this and ask him about it, and he could speak to her!

That morning, he painted his horse green, tied it up by the bridle path where the girl was sure to see it, and waited anxiously. Sure enough, she rode past; when she saw the horse, she stopped, and, eyes wide, said, "Oh! You have a green horse!"

The young man said, "Yeah, wanna fuck?"

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant asked. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup.

This upset him, but he was a gentleman and let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot dessert, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.

He said,"'Goddammit, woman, get your damn thumb out of my food!"

She replied,"Well, I injured it a while ago and the Doctor said I should keep it warm."

The guy said angrily,"Why don't you just shove it up your ass!"