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Is Your Nation’s Leader
an Extra-terrestrial in
Disguise?
by Maurice Fitznuggly, Culture Studies
Editor
Note to the Reader
Though we probably don’t need to say this, our sense of journalistic
ethics prompts us to point out that the following quiz is
intended primarily for citizens of DEVELOPING countries. Clearly, the
electorate of a developed nation would never vote for such a leader as described below.
2nd Note to the Reader
In our quiz, we have used the masculine pronoun throughout not out of slipshod sexism but
simply because there is as yet no evidence whatever that any
of the earth’s female leaders are extra-terrestrial.
After marking your answers, see the scoring guide below.
| YES |
NO |
1. Does your nation’s leader have difficulty
with English—often making a mockery of both correct grammar and
pronunciation? |
| YES |
NO |
2. Does your nation’s leader display what
psychologists call "inappropriate affect", that being facial
expressions and/or bodily gestures which have nothing to do with the situation of the
moment? For example, while your nation’s foreign minister answers reporters’
questions about an impending war, does your nation’s leader stand to one side and,
well, sort of smirk and gaze blankly into the middle distance? |
| YES |
NO |
3. On vacation, does your nation’s leader attempt
at great expense to "go native"? For example, does he retreat
to the countryside, where he allows himself to be photographed in peasant
attire—especially the elaborate footwear that went out a century or more ago? |
| YES |
NO |
4. Unable to bond with real human beings, does your
nation’s leader appear to have an unnatural, almost morbid, interest in small
domesticated animals? |
| YES |
NO |
5. Though, for obvious reasons, lacking normal human
intelligence, does your nation’s leader exhibit an uncanny ability to outfox
opponents and win elections in extraordinary ways—on occasion even
hornswoggling your nation’s highest court, in the manner of extra-terrestrials, who
are well-known to possess highly developed powers of ESP? |
| YES |
NO |
6. Does your nation’s leader surround himself
with, and give power to, persons who display similar non-adaptive, probably alien,
behavior? |
| YES |
NO |
7. Does your nation’s leader display an almost
complete inability to be in the presence of anything approaching what might be called the
finer cultural products of civilization, i.e., art, serious music, drama, ballet,
etc.? |
| YES |
NO |
8. When you look at your nation’s leader can you
not avoid the strong suspicion that nights, after everyone else in the Presidential Palace
has gone to bed, he’s up till all hours checking out hot porn sites in
Tenerife and Pago Pago? |
| YES |
NO |
9. Does your nation’s leader display no
respect for the finite natural resources of our planet except to the extent that
they may be exploited for his own gain (and of course that of his fellow
extra-terrestrials)? |
| YES |
NO |
10. Has no one in your country, beside his spouse and
his physicians, ever seen your nation’s leader naked and lived to
tell about it? |
SCORING
Count your "Yes" answers and score as follows.
9-10 "Yes" answers:
The battle was lost long ago. At least 80% of your own closest associates are
already pod people.
7-8 "Yes" answers:
Now you understand the odd behavior not only of your nation's leader but that of
your nation's clergy as well.
5-6 "Yes" answers:
Though things are looking bad, you might try keeping cloves of garlic in your
pockets. Listening to Art Bell will definitely NOT help.
4 or fewer "Yes" answers:
Not to worry. Your nation's leader simply displays the normal level of insanity
found in power-hungry human beings.
END
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