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The Magellan’s
Log Investigative
To-do List for FBI Agents
Wondering Where to Look Next
by Lulu
Dilworth
So off goes the FBI, months after 9-11, to check out enrollment records
of flight-training schools and scuba-diving schools. Even if a little late, these are
clearly steps in the right direction, fellas, and we commend your efforts.
Now it’s our patriotic duty to remind you of a few other
institutions you should look into.
The terrorist connection with flight-training is obvious, and the potential terrorist
connection with scuba-diving is, we suppose, also fairly obvious. Some of the connections
below are not so obvious so we’ve done some of your homework for you and offer our
in-depth reasoning for including each item.
Investigative To-do List
 |
1. Hotel Management Schools.
Anyone who travels by car is aware that South Asia has taken over a good chunk of American
motelries. Since most South Asians have skin that is darker than that of, say, most
Icelanders, clearly the study of hotel management offers an easy, hardly visible path into
America for all sorts of potential non-Icelandic troublemakers. And once they graduate
where do they wind up? Working right beside the arteries of the very lifeline of this
country, the Interstate highway system, where they can at will under the cover of night
cause all sorts of mischief (scatter tacks on the freeway, switch direction signs, etc.). |
|
2. Barber colleges.
Why barber colleges? Jesus. Has no one in the FBI seen Sweeney Todd??? Imagine the
wreakable havoc possible by just ONE terrorist who lands a position in the Senate (or
better: the House) barbershop where the indispensable leaders of our nation weekly and
happily expose their throats and, thus, their jugular veins, to finely honed razors! Where
would the compulsively bearded go to seek their revenge on the compulsively non-bearded if
not to the very places that teach the skill of de-bearding, if you get my drift. |
|
3. Culinary institutes.
Cruise any popular commercial strip in your town and do a rough calculation of what
percent of the eateries are what you or your local fundamentalist preacher might call
"All-American," either in cuisine or in staff. How easy for a network of
terrorist cells planted in, say, Malaysian burger joints, to, on a secret signal, bring
American manhood to its knees, so to speak, by seeding just one weekend’s worth of
tofu with readily available and perfectly legally potassium nitrate, a.k.a. saltpeter.
(Are you listening, all you Special Agents in the J. Edgar Hoover Building?) What a
devastating blow to the morale of the country. Well, to the morale of half of the country. |
|
4. Automotive technician training schools.
Here’s where it gets nasty. When was the last time you had a GOOD experience when
you went in to get your car fixed? Being the good-willed sort, most Americans assume that
the frustration built into dealing with car mechanics comes about for various, often quite
arcane reasons. Few of us would attribute the difficulties we encounter in the car shop to
maliciousness on the part of the would-be repairers. Now, imagine the effect on this
country’s transportation needs if terrorists infiltrate the car repair business and
you thus add devious mal-intent to the average level of incompetence that we’re all
used to dealing with? Sick cars would remain for days, for weeks even, in garage with nary
a word from the attending mechanics. Traffic jams would become a thing of the past because
most cars would be in garages. There would be wholesale flight to mass transit. Air
pollution would decline. Worse: gasoline sales would plummet, and what effect would THAT
have on the President’s home state, not to mention his biggest campaign donors? |
|
5. Southern Baptist seminaries.
One thing is obvious from 9-11: these guys, given time and money, are not dummies.
Thus you may be sure that they watch and study the news, looking for weak points in Our
Way of Life that they can infiltrate and use to their own terrible advantage. You
don’t think they haven’t been mulling over the recent problems of American
Catholic churches? A pattern of lustful missteps by a small percentage of priests and, lo,
this rich institution is in moral and possibly financial crisis. You don’t think the
Enemy is thinking about this?Try this scenario: The loosely knit spin-off religion
known as "Southern Baptist" presents itself as one of the bastions of so-called
fundamental American values. Attention, guys in the FBI! Have you asked yourselves: At
this moment how many recently enrolled Southern Baptist seminarians are either 1) from the
Middle East, or 2) are extremely and secretly sympathetic with our Enemy? Huh? Have you
asked yourselves that question?
You may be sure, the plants are there, learning good old-fashioned anti-evolutionist,
homophobic, anti-feminist Creationist-Capitalist doctrine, and in three or four years off
they’ll go, suitably ordained, to found their own tax-free money machines with big
neon crosses out front. BUT they won’t be doing this to get dollars or even TV time.
They’ll be doing it to give themselves ACCESS TO THE FLOWER OF AMERICAN BOYHOOD! We
don’t need to go into the lascivious details here (just use your imagination), but
eventually word will get out about how certain new Baptist preachers have been adding a
new dimension to the term, "full immersion," and there goes one of the critical
foundations stones of Free Market Democracy and True Laissez-faire Capitalism. |
If the Southern Baptists fall, nobody’s safe. Not even the
Episcopals. Please get cracking, guys.
END
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