The Primrose Path Game:
How Close to Happiness Are You?

by Ceci Lumley

Here then the results of our extensive, in-depth, team coverage of the search for contentment. Life being a journey, we have modeled the questions to give you an idea of how far you have come on this serpentine path.

For each question you are to estimate a distance. We have provided a space for you to enter the appropriate number. If the question doesn’t apply to you, enter zero. We’ve also provided a place for you to keep a running total of distance traveled.

You’ll find our interpretation of how far you've come on life’s long way at the end of the game.

1.
If you have D-cup (or larger) breasts, or if your penis is longer than eight inches, advance 30 miles.
If you have A-cup breasts, or if your penis is less than 4 inches in length, advance 7.5 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

2.
If your annual combined household income exceeds $100,000 advance 12.5 miles.
If your annual combined household income exceeds $500,000 advance 25 miles.
If your annual combined household income exceeds $1,000,000 advance 100 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

3.
Count the number of vehicular wheels in your garage or on your driveway. Divide by four.
If the result is 3 or more, advance 75 miles.
If the result is less than 1, advance 10 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

4.
Estimate the number of hours per week you spend watching television.
If the number is more than 10, advance 50 miles.
If the number is less than 2, advance 1 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

5.
Count the credit cards, debit cards, ATM cards that you regularly carry.
If the number exceeds 3, advance 25 miles.
If the number is 2 or less, advance 15 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

6.
How many times in the last year have you had sex in a place other than your own residence?
If the number is 0, advance 37.5 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

7.
Estimate the number of hours (not including travel time) you spend in a house of worship.
If the number is more than 2, advance 80 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

8.
Count the firearms in your residence.
If the number is one or more, advance 200 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

9.
Estimate the number of sex photos on your hard drive.
If the number is more than 100, advance 50 miles.
If the number is more than 1,000, advance 100 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

10.
Estimate the number of hours per week you spend on the Internet.
If the number exceeds 10, advance 30 miles.
If the number exceeds 30, advance 100 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

11.
On a scale of 0 to 10, estimate the average quality of your last 3 orgasms.
If the number is 5 or less, advance 60 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

12.
Estimate the number of hours per month you spend in recreational walking (jogging doesn’t count).
If the number is 0, advance 50 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

13.
Estimate the amount of money you spend weekly on recreational drugs (caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, marijuana, etc.).
If the total is more than $10, advance 75 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

14.
Estimate the number of books you have read in the last year.
If the number is in the range 0 to 2, advance 80 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

15.
How many museums have you visited in the last year?
If the number is 2 or less, advance 50 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

16.
On average, how many persons a day do you find to view with lust in your heart?
If the number is 1 or 0, advance 62.5 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

17.
How many times per week do you eat meat?
If the number is 3 or more, advance 90 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

18.
Estimate the number of times in the last week that you have thought to yourself the world is going to hell in a handbasket.
If the number is 1 or more, advance 45 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

19.
How many times in that last month have you encountered a word you didn’t know and looked it up?
If the number is 0, advance 25 miles.

Miles for This Question: _______.   Running Total: ________

20. How many times in the last month have you listened to Rush Limbaugh?
If the number is 1 or more, advance 100 miles.
Interpretation of the Total Number of Miles You Have Traveled on the Path to Happiness

Miles for This Question: _______.

Grand Total: ________