Tasteless Jokes 51

A troubled day in heaven
God summons St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high profile candidates waiting at the gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I'm going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You'll have to go and decide who is most suitable".

St. Peter goes down to the pearly gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Di waiting for him. He says, "I'm afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason for admission into heaven."

Freddie says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better."

Gianni says, "I was earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions - long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better."

Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "Ok, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!" Freddie and Gianni are mortified. "What's going on here??

We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don't!!!"

St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sorry guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day."

Inadequacy
This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.

"What the hell is your problem?" the lady asked.

"I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friend's pussy," the man moaned.

The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five or six inches deeper."

Cure-all
Miss Annie was in her nineties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Surely Miss Annie had flipped or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

Pointing to the bowl, he said, "Miss Annie, I wonder if you would tell me about this?"

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter."

Comments by NYC teachers on report cards:
1. Since my last report your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's I.Q. reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't here.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is gone.

Doctors' notes on patients' hospital charts:
1. Patient has chest pain if lying on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better, and on the 3rd day it disappeared altogether.
3. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1997.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*6. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
7. The patient refused an autopsy.
8. The patient has no past history of suicides.
9. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
10. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal exam revealed a normal-sized thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.
21. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
22. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
23. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
24. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband says that last night in bed, she was very hot.
25. Patient has two teen-age children, but no more abnormalities.

The winning number
Two Aggies drove to a gas station in a remote district for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the patrons of the station, to anybody who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the man asked the attendant about the contest. The attendant said, "If you win, you're entitled to free SEX," and the man asked how can he enter the contest. The attendant explained, "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess it right you win free SEX."

So the Aggie filled up and asked to play the contest and said, " I Guess 7."

"Sorry I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.

The next week, the two returned to the same gas station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one Aggie asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex. "2," said the Aggie. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As the two Aggie were walking back to the car, one said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the other Aggie. "My wife won twice last week."

What price glory?
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose. (Something Congress came up with!) The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.00.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.00.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man. "From the tip of my penis to my balls."

The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your balls?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

Religious Instruction
Little Johnny is really bad at arithmetic, always bottom of the class. His parents don't know what to do. They've tried helping him, extra books, special tutors, all to no avail. Then a friend suggests that they might try a different school. So they take Johnny out of his school and send him to the local Catholic school instead.

After the first day at the new school Johnny comes home, says nothing, goes upstairs to his room, gets out the arithmetic book and starts on his homework. Same thing the next day, and the next. Every day is the same, comes home, goes upstairs, works on the arithmetic. At the end of term he hands his report card to his parents, goes upstairs and starts on more arithmetic homework. His parents look at the report card: grade A for arithmetic. They can't believe it. His mother goes up to Johnny's room and says - what did they do at the new school to make you so successful at arithmetic? Is it something to do with the way the nuns teach?

Johnny replies: Well when I walked in there on the first day and I saw that they'd nailed a guy to a plus sign I knew they were serious.