DARK CANON

by Jerden Purmort

Lately the numbers relating to what they see and what their formulas say they ought to see have been so out of whack that it’s become necessary for them to posit the existence of what they’re calling "dark matter" and "dark energy." The observed behavior of the universe is such a bad fit with the formulas that our guys have decided it is in fact filled with unseen matter and undetected energy of a quantity exceeding that of all visible stars and galaxies.

Mind you, not the least whiff of this dark matter has been sensed, perceived, detected, or measured. But present theory requires that it exist. Otherwise the whole elaborate structure of contemporary cosmology along with large segments of physics collapses.

Basically, the problem comes down to this: What we see and more or less know of the universe (atoms, etc.) amounts to only 4% of what's out there. The other 96% we're surmising and calling "dark energy" and "dark matter" because present theory requires its existence.

Well. That's a fine kettle of neutrinos.

What’s a know-nothing-but-concerned-liberal-arts person to do but shake his head, wish the star-thinkers well… and steal their clever method for explaining the inexplicable?

If you look at civilization (dark glasses recommended), you are struck by a certain imbalance in almost every field of endeavor. Since modern science teaches us that not only does nature abhor a vacuum, it also abhors disequilibrium, we are surely within our scientific rights to posit various unseen opposites to restore the whole system of human activity to a state of healthy and safe balance.

For example, consider how out of whack any universe is in which there is only George W. Bush. If that harmony which modern cosmologists assure us is the rule really permeates our reality, then surely we must posit the existence—somewhere—of an invisible and wholly better George W. Bush. An Anti-Bush, if you will.

What would, nay, what MUST be the characteristics of this Anti-Bush person? That’s easy. He smiles instead of smirking. He walks instead of galumphing. He orates instead of haranguing.

He thinks.

You want proof that the Anti-Bush exists? Tonight, seat yourself in front of the television and try very hard to watch the Non-Anti-Bush with the eyes of a child. After having done so, and before you reach for the Prozac, ask yourself: Can any universe worthy of the name throw up THAT without simultaneously in some distant fairer place throwing up its lovely and benign opposite? Of course not. Q.E.D.

Those of a more Asian persuasion of course have no problem with this hypothesis. They have the deeply ingrained metaphysical template called "yin-yang" in which to plug such an unlikely phenomenon as George W. Bush. Yin, therefore yang. Q.E.D. again.

Mental health requires that we make a habit of constructing these visible/invisible, unpalatable/tasty dualities. Daily such improbables parade across the screen of our consciousness—Clarence Thomas, Tom DeLay, Karl Rove, Katherine Harris, Karen Hughes, Kenneth Lay, The Rock, Danielle Steele, James Baker, Larry King, Barbara Walters, Henry Kissinger—that we are left with a choice that is no choice. Either we embrace Chaos and Old Night and put on the moth-eaten plumage of antiquated beliefs, or we embrace the scientific method of our cosmology brothers and posit a better, balanced universe in which these personages simulatenously blossom forth elsewhere and invisibly in glistening garments of charity, humility, forgiveness, and love.

For every Lucasian pseudo-myth here, somewhere there is an epic pointing truthward; for every forked-tongue out-of-the-corner-of-the-mouth Cheneyism here, somewhere there is a hard-won aphorism aimed right at the heart; for every chart-topping language-mangling Grisham opus here, somewhere there is a well-told Tolkien story worth the telling.

This unseen but entirely necessary Dark Canon of Culture has the further advantage of being all-inclusive. Not only are objectionable persons rendered lovely, so too are inanimate and organizational irritants turned into their more sweetly realized selves.

Think, please. A counter-universe MUST exist with a U.S. House of Representatives in which there is not a trace of expedience, an Interstate Highway System teeming with Priuses and nary an SUV in sight, television networks on which the true dirty word is condescension and the true dirty deed is selling, supermarkets chock full of veggies and veggie-derived stuff with not one dead animal in sight, schools where children are taught first to study and know themselves.