Christians

¶ Receipts for donations to the 700 Club etc. in case the Deity or His representative requires proof of your long-term piety.

¶ Adequate weaponry to fend off unprepared heathen neighbors who come to your door begging for forgiveness and help.

¶ Chutes and Ladders, Monopoly and a few Christian Action Figures to keep the kids entertained in case of delay in getting you and yours elevated into Heaven.

¶ A full 45 gallons of gas in the Suburban in case the divine authorities require you to proceed to a distant heavenly entrance.

¶ 40 dB earplugs for all members of your family to avoid listening to the screams of heathen neighbors as they are dragged off to the pits of you-know-where. Let's face it: the Tribulations are going to be one noisy undertaking.

¶ Complete vaccination records for all your animal companions on the off-chance that they too are subject to the benefits of Divine Grace and can go with you as you Ascend.

¶ Videotapes of you and your family dishing out mashed potatoes and gravy to the homeless at last year’s free downtown Christmas feast, plus the photo that ran in the local paper of you hammering a nail into a Habitat for Humanity house, plus the picture your spouse took when you distributed balloons at the children’s cancer hospital, plus any other graphic proof you have of your on-going good works.

¶ 1 bag of medium-size Idaho potatoes, for putting up the tailpipes of your heathen neighbors’ Prius’s and Civic's and Subaru’s to prevent their foolish attempts to escape Divine Judgment and Wrath (as if they could).

¶ Diaphanous but adequately opaque gowns and (for the menfolk) togas in case the celestial forces at the last minute run short of appropriate ascensionary garments.

¶ Keep any autographed photos you may have of Ronald Reagan, Jesse Helms, or Tom DeLay prominently displayed in the living room so that upon entering the Angels of the Lord will spot them at once.

¶ Ray-Bans for all family members, should the Radiance of the Divine Eminence prove too bright for retinas accustomed to the weak sunlight of polluted skies.

¶ 1 fresh audio cassette and fresh Titanium AA batteries in a Walkman with built-in microphone for recording that blast from Gabriel’s horn which will truly be a sound to remember.

¶ 1 case of Pine-Sol air freshener for the days leading up to the Ascension proper; it is likely that the stench from the heaps of heathens dying in the protracted last battle against Evil will become quite strong and could interfere with your family’s daily affairs.

¶ An adequate supply of WWJD bracelets in case the kids in the excitement of getting ready to Ascend misplace theirs.

¶ Pocket packs of Kleenex for all post-puberty males in your family. It is likely that in the ecstasy of the Rapture proper some males may experience spontaneous ejaculation, thus marring the pristine appearance of their diaphanous togas.

Non-Christians

¶ 1 copy of Constantine Stanislavski’s treatise on method acting, Creating a Role, so that you and your family members can scream and writhe about convincingly on your front lawn. Research has shown that the truly insane, especially if they are well-armed, are better humored than resisted. For your own safety it is essential that your Christian neighbors totally believe in your agony. At no point must they be allowed even the faintest suspicion that you are mocking them. If they perceive a hint of mockery you may be sure they will not hesitate to (in their manly jargon) "take you out" double-barrel-shotgun-wise since you and yours are after all pests, not people.

¶ 1 1950s fall-out shelter, because when the expected day of the Rapture passes and nothing happens you may be sure that your Christian brethren are going to be extremely pissed and will do all they can to encourage their "elected" leaders to do God’s will and cleanse the Earth of all heathens such as you and yours who, the Elect will have decided, are so unpleasing in the sight of God that He just couldn’t bring Himself to set foot on the planet. At this point the odds for nuclear spasm increase rapidly.

¶ 1 copy of E.F. Schumacher’s Small Is Beautiful because you may be sure that whatever’s left after the rabid Christians are done consuming and destroying, starting over is going to mean thinking small bigtime.