A Normal Person
Wouldn't Steal Pituitaries

by Doc Cuddy

Once upon a time there was a novelist by the name of Richard Brautigan who prided himself on filling his stories with English sentences which he was pretty sure no one had ever created before. Though largely forgotten now, Mr. Brautigan was something of a best-seller in his day.

In a way it’s just as well his day is passed because in the new world of global culture, the true masters of never- before- created English sentences have emerged, that being the (alas, anonymous) persons who write the subtitles for Hong Kong movies.

Various collections of these perfectly wrought breakthrough statements, taking English grammar and syntax where it’s never gone before, have circulated on the Internet. We’ve gone through them and tried to winnow wheat from chaff—never an easy task, but, for obvious reasons, quite daunting here.

Web-page design note:
You’re going to be scrolling down for a while. We are aware this violates one of the basic rules of page design. But there’s something about the cumulative impact of these all-new English sentences that benefits from an unbroken reading. At first your mind struggles, trying, even as you laugh, to find meaning, seeking desperately to figure out what the original Chinese statement must have been.

Some, you figure, were just typographical mistakes ("Don’t ace rashly" = "Don’t act rashly") or simple misspelling ("Be careful of your nostral hair"). Some, you realize the problem comes from doing a literal translation ("That may disarray my intestines" = "That will upset my stomach"?).

For the rest, after you’ve read a few, you’ll find yourself sucked into this centripetal world of English as it was never before spoke, and your mind just gives up and goes with the—for want of a better term—flow. You discover yourself, with Alice, in a world on the other side of the looking glass where nothing is what it seems and what nothing seems is false. Which, of course, is why we laugh:

"A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries."

"Bastard! An inch longer, an inch stronger!"

"Be careful of your nostral hair."

"Be multiple."

"Beat him out of recognizable shape!Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. Bitch, don't step on my intestine!"

"Bump him dead!"

"Catherine is a nasbian!"

"Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! Don't ace rashly."

"Don't do anything perverted, we are in a hurry."

"Don't tell any that I have high anxiety or I'll beat up up!"

"Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep."

"Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person."

"Gun wounds again? How can you use my intestines as a gift?"

"I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way."

"I am sexual deformation."

"I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! I have been scared shitless too much lately. I please your uterus, you kiss my toes. It's fair."

"I scare hunger."

"I scare nothing! Even you become napkins."

"I suspect her bra also contains cock."

"I'll check your dill."

"I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! It takes turn to tango."

"It took my seven digestive pills to dissolve your hairy crab."

"Keep cool to avoid enlarge."

"Let me touch your nibbles."

"My brother is not easy to deal with, he is tear and I have mucus."

"My daughter is so nice, she knows I love eating chicken ass."

"No! I saw a vomiting crab."

"Pierce his face loci!"

"Quiet or I'll blow your throat up. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin."

"Suck the coffin mushroom now!"

"Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.That may disarray my intestines."

"The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? They had so many argues."

"This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the douche. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to dine upon."

"Today is my sperm's birthday."

"Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination."

You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. You daring lousy guy. You shot my dicky. You are that cruel."

"You two must be the steaming dollops the Tree Men that grew after my fertilization."

END

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