How Bigz Ur Booty?
by Staff of Magellan's Log

Development of Much-needed
New Scales of Measurement

If we, as it seems, are determined to count, quantify, and digitize EVERYTHING, then we need ALL POSSIBLE scales to tell us how we’re doing. If we count everything, then we need scales to measure everything. Here, an infinity of exploitative, money-making possibilities opens before us.

In this first flush of discovery, we can offer only a few examples. Given the digital creativity presently loose in the world, we have no doubt we’ll soon be awash in useful, valuable new means of measurement.

Example 1:

Range: 0-0.5, where 0 represents the intelligence of your average rock and 0.5 represents the intelligence of the 43^rd president of the United States.

Note: The scale does not go beyond 0.5 because it is assumed that anyone who can steal a presidential election in full view of the national and international media and with the support of the Supreme Court must be the smartest person in the world.

Samples Uses:

"For sale, registered Lhasa Apso bitch, incredibly bright, 0.45 on the Dubya Scale." You immediately know that this is a VERY intelligent canine and worth every of the $2,500 being asked.

From a newswire story: "The culprit, apprehended after trying to steal a dozen Krispy Kremes from the front seat of a police car, said, ‘No way I’d be so stupid as to try something like that. I was tested in high school and registered 0.38 on the Dubya Scale." And the police will believe him because the guy can show on paper that he’s almost as smart as the president of the United States.

A non-biased political analyst on the Fox Network: "I want you to show me anyone anywhere who’s ever met a Democrat that registers more than 0.15 on the Dubya Scale!"

Example 2:
The Lewinsky Scale of Negative Pressure

Range: 0-10, where 0 represents no pressure and 10 represents the vacuum pressure applied by Ms. Lewinsky in pursuit of her White House intern duties.

Sample Uses:

From a news story: "When the micro-meteor struck the space station, air began rushing out into the almost perfect vacuum of outer space, which measures 8 on the Lewinsky Scale."

From a vacuum cleaner commercial: "We guarantee clean carpets because our machines produce an incredible 8.7 on the Lewinsky Scale."

Example 3:
The Rumsfeld-Rice Scale of Human Rights

Range: 0-100, where 0 represents total, perfect control by either armed or police forces of any given group of human beings, and 100 represents the maximum allowable freedom for a group of human beings if you expect to have a world free of Those Who Disagree with You and Other Forces of Evil.

Note: The Rumsfeld-Rice Scale is like a golf score. Lower is better, because while a rating of 100 SEEMS like a good thing, when you actually have a society at 100 what you get is a lot of obscene art and jokes that only a few left-wing nuts understand.

Sample Uses:

From a history textbook: "With such decisions as the 1954 desegregation ruling, the legalization of pornography in the 1960s, and Roe v. Wade, the U.S. Supreme Court hurled America in such a chaos of license that it actually reached 70 on the Rumsfeld-Rice Scale. The result was the disaster known as the 1960s."

From a Bush Administration position paper authored by Karl Rove: "Through the use of army M.P.’s as a national police force and by substituting military tribunals for the messy present judiciary system, we can, well before the next election, get the country stabilized at a solid 15 on the Rumsfeld-Rice Scale."