Tasteless Jokes 50

Making Do
A woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.

She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.

"What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal....and then...I come in here....and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??"

"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"

Pig Smarts
A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford the stud service so he goes to the Vet.

Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"

Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out of the farmer's price range.

Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything else?"

Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll get them pregnant."

Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"

Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next day."

So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the rest of the week and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.

Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"

Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? If they had 4 doors they would be a sedans.

Bargain Hunter
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

Truth of Consequences
Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Farmer: This dog don't talk!
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin alright
Farmer: (Extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Farmer: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Farmer: Horses don't talk!
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it goin?
Horse: Cool.
Farmer: (an even wilder look of shock)
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Farmer: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!

Breaking the Ice
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, " Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

Reputation
THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat . . . "

Territoriality
A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.

He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"

The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one."

"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.

After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.

After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.

The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."

"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."

Sounds Like...
1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society conference.

Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
(Over 80% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?"
(58% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?"
(23% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?"
(3% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?"
(After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)

Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?"
Attendee: "I am from Australia."

Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"

Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said "goat."

Truth in Australia
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change, and would only get one by marrying a virgin male close to her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married.

On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.

When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed, and everything in the room, and stacked it in one corner of the room.

Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like sex with a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

Animal Companions
Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald says, "No." Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom, they can't have sex, and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.

Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says, "Yes, we do!" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald, then asks him, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

Donald exclaims, "HELL, NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?!?"