Tasteless Jokes 49

Raging Hormonal Imbalance
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side-effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

Safe Sex
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee Wee Herman in their holding cell at the jail?
A: "Stop playing with my lunch."

The Joy of Capitalism
Man goes into a bank and up to the cashier's desk.

"Nice tits love, I want to open a FUCKING checking account," the man snarls.

"I beg your pardon, sir?", the startled female teller replies.

"Listen, you dumb bitch, I said I want to open a FUCKING checking account."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't help you if you're going to talk like that."

She leaves the window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear.

The two return and the manager asks, stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no GODDAMN problem!" the man insists. "I just won ten million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a FUCKING checking account!"

"I see sir," the manager quickly replies, "and this cunt's giving you a hard time, is she?"

Six Dangerous Puns
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields, never amounted, and became known as thelesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Then there was the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal. He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", one asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Native Language Speaker
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky."

Beyond the Guide Michelin
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.

"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

The waiter replies: "I don't know about the other guys but I use the spoon"

Regal Truth
The Queen and Princess Di were driving down the road in their Range Rover when they were stopped and accosted by a modern day highway man.

"Hand over all your cash", he demanded of the Queen.

"My dear man" replied the Queen, "I am the Queen of all England, and therefore do not need to carry any money."

"OK, OK" he said, turning to Princess Di. "In that case you can hand over all of your jewels".

"I have no need for Jewels" she boasted, "for I am the most beautiful woman in England".

By this time the highway man was getting a bit pissed off. "Right then" he said. "Get out of the car and I'll take that instead".

And shortly he was driving off into the sunset. Left sitting on the grass verge, Princess Di turned to the Queen and asked, "Where on earth did you hide all that money you were carrying?"

"I stuffed it up my snatch laughed the Queen. "But what about you. Where did you manage to stash all your jewels."

"I stuffed them up my snatch as well", tittered Di.

"It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us" mused the Queen. "We might have been able to save the Range Rover".

Canine Etiquette
Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls.

One says to the other, "I wish I could do that!"

The other replies, "Don't you think you should pet him first?"