Tasteless Jokes 48

Handyman
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public restroom, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before." "Like what?" Martin said. "All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said. "Well, what's yours like?" Martin said. "Straight, like normal," Gary said. "I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said. Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said. "Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal." "Cripes," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

Encyclopedic Knowledge
A panda walks into a fancy restaurant and sits down at a table and orders a hamburger.
After eating the burger the panda gets up and walks over to the piano player. At the piano the panda takes out a gun, shoots the piano player in the head and calmly walks outside.
The restaurant owner follows the panda outside and said, "You just ate a burger and didn't pay for it and then killed my piano player. You can't get away with that."
"Oh yes I can," the panda replied, "I'm a panda bear." The panda then continues to walk away.
The owner calls over a policeman and told him what happened.
The policeman asked the panda, "You ordered a hamburger, ate it and didn't pay for it?"
"Correct."
"Then you went over to the piano player, pulled out a gun and shot him in the head?"
"Correct."
"And you think you can get away with that because you are a panda bear?"
"Correct."
"What does being a panda bear have to do with it," the cop asked.
"Just look it up in an encyclopedia," the panda replied.
While the officer stayed with the panda the restaurant owner went to a nearby bookstore and bought an encyclopedia. Returning to the scene in the streets, the cop took the encyclopedia and looked up panda.
"Panda bear," he read, "Native of Asia. Eats shoots and leaves."

Separated at Birth
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Overbite
A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Discrimination
A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry...We don't serve food in here."

Home Sweet Home
Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'...
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head...
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?"
Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could!"
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

Mother Knows Best
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Behind the Legend
Q: Why does Santa have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.

Military Compatibility
A little girl goes to visit Santa at the Mall. When it is her turn she sits on his lap and Santa says "Have you been good?"
Little Girl, "Yes, Santa, very good."
Santa, "What would you like for Christmas?"
Little Girl, "I want Barbie and G. I. Joe."
Santa, "G. I. Joe? Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?
Little Girl, "No, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken. But she comes with G. I. Joe."

Genetic Debt
One day Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $ 80,000 mortgage on the house and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Xmas"
Xmas came around and Johnny asked again.
The father said, "Well the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 Mortgage!"