This guy had a beautiful woman for a girl friend, but he was too ashamed to screw her because of his small dick.

So one day while they were at the drive-in movies, he decides that now was a good time to screw her because she wouldn't be able to see his dick size.

So, halfway through the movie, he unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick and sticks it in her hand.

She than replied, "No thank you, I don't smoke."

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter says, "Hey, little partner, what are you doing?"

The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck."

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That's sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks mister," the boy says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf with a few Japanese business associates. Having nothing to do the night before his game, he decided to solicit the services of a prostitute.

Later, when they were in the throes of passion, she suddenly screamed out "Sakilow!" Not knowing the translation, he figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, and so he kept going.

Again she screamed, "Sakilow! Sakilow!" And again, he smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued.

Finally, she shrieked "Sakilow!" a third time, jumped out of bed and ran from the room. "Must have been too good for her!" he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented with himself.

The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf, one of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee right into the cup for a hole-in-one! Remembering his new word and wanting to impress his associates with his linguistic proficiency, the man yelled out Sakilow!"

Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

Brody came home from school one day and asked his mom, "Mom, what is sex?"

His mom was flustered, but she knew this day would come, and decided to be honest. She spent the next hour explaining to her son about the birds and the bees, and where babies came from.

When she was done her son smiled, pulled a questionnaire out of his pocket and pointed to the word sex: "That's cool, but how am I supposed to get it all in this little box next to the F and the M?"

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped. He carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle."