The brunette says, "I just don't know what to think about my daughter. The other day I was cleaning her room and I found a pack of cigarettes! I didn't even know she smoked!"

The redhead responds, "Oh, that's nothing, I found a bottle of whiskey in my daughter's room. And I didn't even know she drank!"

The blonde says, "Well, I found a box of condoms in my daughter's room. And I didn't even know she had a dick!"

Animal Husbandry (Advanced)
Why did the Aggie cross the road? His dick was in the chicken!

Cutting-edge American Healthcare
A nurse comes in to see a patient, looks at his chart and says, "I'm supposed to give you an enema, but your HMO will only allow me to beat the shit out of you!"

All That Glitters
A woman with recurring green spots on her thighs successfully consults doctor after doctor. Finally she finds one who examines her thoughtfully and then asks, "Is your lover a Gypsy?"

Astonished, the woman says, "Yes."

"Your only problem, madam, is that his ear rings are not real gold."

Atitude, Shmattidue
There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee just for an extra jolt to start off each day."

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine."

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, "I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat."

Sex by the Numbers
A man had been troubled by his inability to achieve an erection. After visiting numerous doctors and not getting any help he decided to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor threw some herbs in the fire, shook his rattle, and danced wildly. When he was through he said, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. When you are ready just say...1,2,3, and you will get the largest erection that you have ever had. After your wife has been satisfied she simply has to say, 1,2,3,4, and it will be gone for one year. "Later that night as the man lay in bed he said to his wife, "Watch this! 1,2,3!" His organ sprang to life, larger and stiffer than ever before.

His wife was amazed, she smiled and said, "That's great! But what did you say '1,2,3' for?"

Size Is Not the Only Thing That Counts
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire."

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you must not anger him..." but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travels through the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don't screw with him.

That Johnny
One day at school, the topic of the day was, "What part of your body goes to Heaven first?"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher saw this and thought to herself, 'Oh no! Johnny always says something bad - I'll make sure he's the last one I call on!' So, instead the teacher calls on Susie.

Susie says, "I think your brain goes to Heaven first because you have to be smart to go to Heaven."

The teacher congratulated Susie, "That's very good, Susie!" Then, the teacher calls on Mary.

Mary says, "I think your heart goes to Heaven first because you have to love to go to Heaven."

The teacher congratulated Mary, "Very good, Mary!"

By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, "Oh, oh, oh!"

The teacher gets ready and says, "Okay, Johnny, it's your turn."

Johnny gets up and says, "I think your feet go to Heaven first."

The curious teacher asks, "Well, Johnny, that's very good! But, why do you suppose your feet go to Heaven first?"