From a recent wire-service story:
"World leaders and senior politicians should be tested regularly for signs of madness, a leading brain scientist warned Sunday. Dr James Toole, president of the World Federation of Neurology, believes it is now critical that presidents and prime ministers be scrutinized for signs of mental instability. A crack-up by Tony Blair or George W. Bush would have the most devastating consequences, he will tell the world neurology congress in London -- yet nothing is done to monitor their psychological well-being."

Do not allow your spouse to dally over the test. Be firm, and allow him five minutes max to finish.

The Test

Dear Leader,
Here is a little test to re-assure you about how remarkably well you are holding up under the absurd demands made on you by your army, your political cohorts, your endlessly squawking religious leaders, your ridiculously wealthy supporters, and the rest of the world.

Answer each question with a number from 1 to 10, where 1 is a strong no and 10 is a strong yes. If you feel indifferent to the question or if you feel the question doesn’t apply to you, write 5.

_____ 1. Do you sometimes stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom and think to yourself, "I’m the most powerful man in the world"? (Note: This question actually works only if your are the leader of either the United States or France. If you are leader of a country other than the United States or France, please change the question to: "Do you sometimes stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom and think to yourself, ‘I’m one of the most powerful men in the world’?")

_____ 2. If you were not the leader of your country, would you really really like to drive around in a Ford Excursion or Lincoln Navigator and play bump-em with Toyota Corollas and Honda Civics?

_____ 3. Are you deeply grateful that your parents never tried to force classical music on you or take you to art museums or any of those other sissy places?

_____ 4. Are you secretly proud when your children show some gumption and break a few minor laws about under-age drinking, hanging out in gay bars, etc.?

_____ 5. Do you ever fantasize that your primary cardiac-challenged underling would go ahead and have the Big One so then everyone could see that you are the one in charge?

_____ 6. If you are leader of the United States, do you often think seriously about calling Carla Hill and asking if the rumors about the size of Clarence Thomas’s you-know-what are true? If you are leader of a country other than the United States, do you often wonder about the size of the you-know-what of the leader of the United States?

_____ 7. If you are leader of the United States, have you dropped hints to Karl Rove about you and he trying a little OxyContin next time you’re at the ranch and Laura’s keeping the home fires burning back in Washington? If you are leader of a country other than the United States, have you dropped hints to your personal security force about slipping LSD into the coffee next time you meet with the leader of the United States?

_____ 8. As your term of leadership goes on, do you find images of the Red Nuclear Button popping up more and more often in your dreams? If your country doesn't have a Red Nuclear Button, do you find yourself fantasizing more and more often about getting one, even a fake one, for your desk?

_____ 9. If you are leader of the United States, do you long to have Rupert Murdoch, Jack Welch, Bill Gates, and Leona Helmsley over on a Saturday night for an evening of Texas Hold Em with a five-developing-country pot limit? If you are not leader of the United States, do you secretly rely on the astrology column in your capital newspaper for decision-making advice?

_____ 10. Do you worry because Jim Baker never calls you and you’re the one who always has to call him?

END OF QUIZ

Return your answers to your First Lady for scoring.

Scoring Instructions for First Ladies

If you are First Lady of the United States, ignore the previous paragraph. We all know that your spouse’s score is already well above 70. Probably the best you can do is to attempt to provide various distractions so that he is minimally involved in governmental decision-making. We are pleased to inform you that, though long retired, the famous chanteuse and ecdysiast Candy Barr lives in a double-wide not far from your ranch at Crawford. Maybe you could have a girl-to-girl talk with her. Perhaps Ms. Barr might be convinced that it is her civic duty to come out of retirement and perform frequently (and of course privately) at your commodious ranch. Failing this, you might try enrolling you and your husband in one of the Esalen Institute’s month-long rapid-remedial "karmic-correction" courses. (For further tips, see the forgotten but still extremely valuable Paul Mazursky film, Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice.)

END

Back to Magellan's Log 40

Magellan's Log front page

Send this page to a friend.

We love to get mail from our readers.
Tell us what you think: