Gerontological Wisdom
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

Wisdom of the Seas
A guy goes into a bar, sees a pirate sitting at the bar. Then he notices that the pirate has a steering wheel coming out of his crotch. Of course he has to ask the pirate about it. The pirate says (in a pirate accent)," Ayee, matie, it's driving me nuts."

Wisdom of the Irish
A gay guy goes into a bar, sees a lone Irishman sitting at the bar, a tough character from his appearance. The gay guy thinks to himself," Ah, perhaps a bit of rough trade," and he approaches the Irishman, asks," Would you like a blow job?" Quick as thought the Irishman hits the gay guy, and proceeds to beat him senseless. The Irishman then turns around and sits back down at the bar. The bartender says, "What was that all about?" The Irishman says, "Oh, I don't know, he said something about a job."

Wisdom of the Blondes
A drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Gimme a beer."
The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"
To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

Good Neighbors
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

Divine Wisdom
God is talking to one of his angels.
He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"
God says, "Call it a day."

Entrepreneurial Wisdom
A small business owner has two employees, Jack & Jill. Business is bad and he has to lay one of them off but is having a hard time deciding which one to let go. He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their desks. Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day will be the one. They both get up and leave at the same time.
He has to let one go. Which one? Jill, it has to be Jill. The owner walks out to Jill’s car as she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?"
Jill says, "You'd better just jack off. I am already late for an appointment."

Managerial Wisdom
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.