President George W. Bush with his teenage idol last night in
Washington, D.C. ceremony. See story for explanation.

Dubya Gets His Wish
(From wire service reports)

Washington, D.C. Karen Hughes, counselor to the president, announced today that in a private ceremony yesterday, President George W. Bush conferred a specially minted presidential medal on one of his teenage heroes, Elvis Presley. Anticipating reporters' questions, Ms. Hughes, with one of her rare smiles, pointed out that yes, the president was aware that Elvis Presley has been dead for several decades.

When the president first broached the idea of the medal for Mr. Presley in the middle of a meeting of the National Security Agency on the subject of the United States' impending abrogation of the ABM Treaty, Ms. Hughes continued, he acknowledged awareness of Presley's well-known deceased condition.

According to Ms. Hughes, the president went on to say, "I know that if you guys, all my advisers, handlers, counselors, and so on, can steal a whole presidential election right under the nose of every TV reporter and camera in the world, y'all can certainly bring Elvis back for one simple, brief little ceremony in the oval office."

At that point, Ms. Hughes, with a slight catch in her voice, said the president sobbed softly and quickly left the NSA meeting.

After a brief brainstorming session with Karl, Ari, and Dick, Ms. Hughes explained, a conference call was arranged with James A. Baker, the longtime adviser to, and Mr. Fixit for, the Bush family.

According to Ms. Hughes, Mr. Baker responded with his usual sangfroid, and "in that goebbelsesque voice we all came to know so well during the Florida troubles" asked how soon they needed Elvis.

Nonplussed, Ms. Hughes said that she replied, "ASAP."

To which Mr. Baker responded, after only a moment's pause, "Three a.m., Lincoln Bedroom. Be there," and hung up.

There was, Ms. Hughes confessed, some confusion at this point, since the Lincoln Bedroom was currently occupied by Leona Helmsley and several of her miniature poodles. Ever the good sport, Ms. Helmsley agreed to vacate for the evening in exchange for a promise of all future hotelier rights in Beijing, Shanghai, and Hong Kong following the surrender of China in any possible future Sino-American war.

At 2:55 a.m., the president and Mrs. Bush, along with select staff members, and one photographer gathered in the Lincoln Bedroom. At precisely 3 a.m., Mr. Presley in fact materialized, in full regalia, smiled broadly, spoke briefly with the president, posed for one photograph, and quietly de-materialized.

As the assembled dignitaries left the room, Ms. Hughes concluded, the president was heard to say to Laura, "That Jim Baker's something else, ain't he, hon?"

END

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