C.R.A.B.S.

Waxahachie, TX, August 9. The Centers for Disease Control/ Waxahachie Branch, today announced the official naming of a dangerous hitherto undiagnosed pandemic and called for immediate counter-measures: C.R.A.B.S. (Chronic Republicanist Acquired Backwardness Syndrome).

The disease, though its various symptoms had been widely observed across the country for some decades, had escaped identification until January 20, 2001 and the weeks thereafter. Several doctors vacationing in Aspen happened to watch the presidential inauguration together and in the ensuing conversation realized that in the speeches but especially in the new faces on the platform they were seeing grouped together persons displaying a pattern of behavior which they had previously only seen piecemeal in various presenting patients.

CDC/WB announced that one factor that made the identification of C.R.A.B.S. so difficult was the fact that it cuts across economic lines. One day a physician would see a severely afflicted patient whose ostrich-skin Balley loafers indicated an income in the top one percentile. The next day, the same physician doing his one day per decade work in a charity clinic would see an equally severely afflicted homeless patient.

The disease, while fatal only in its most extreme form (John Wayne, Richard Nixon, etc.), is also unique in that it has apparently irreversible effects both in the body and in behavior. The primary physical symptom is the formation of a virtually impenetrable shell of "energy" around the heart. CDC/WB researchers point out that this "shell" comprises a new kind of matter which has not been observed by any of the sciences elsewhere in nature. It does not register on X-rays or on the most advanced MRI and other scanning techniques.

Giving credit where it is due, one of the researchers admitted that it was first observed in late 1998 when he was examining an MRI scan and happened to let his eyes cross in the way that one learns to do when observing 3-D pictures known as "stereograms". At that moment he observed a strange, glowing shell surrounding the heart on the scanning image. (Click here to see a low-resolution reproduction of what that first cross-eyed researcher glimpsed.)

This observation led him and eventually the entire team at CDC/WB to re-examine hundreds and then thousands of scans on file around the country.

They were astonished to find that some 45% of the adult populace showed some degree of "shell" formation around the heart.

At this point, the researchers confessed they were stumped. A massive database was constructed for those presenting with this peculiar structure. (Physicists were brought on board to try to identify the from of matter involved, but they have thus far been unable to relate the "shell", which is still visible only to those able to cross their eyes in an appropriate manner, to any other known form of matter or energy.).

SYMPTOMS of C.R.A.B.S. CARRIERS
From this mass of information, a behavioral profile was constructed whose one striking characteristic was so shocking that the CDC/WB immediately slapped an eyes-only secrecy rating on all related documents. The primary common factor in the profile was that 97% of the people, again, cutting across all economic lines, had VOTED REPUBLICAN in the last FIVE presidential elections.

highly developed sense of pride in the possession of expensive objects;

preference for child-rearing and educational methods collectively known as "tough-love";

unquestioning admiration for all armed forces personnel and activities but especially those of the U.S. Marine Corps;

unstinting praise for American freedom, where "freedom" is understood to mean the unhindered chance to accumulate goods and wealth to any degree allowed by skill, circumstance, or aggressiveness.

By mid-2000, the Waxahachie team had devised a series of behavioral tests to detect the presence of the strange heart "shell". Though understanding of the physics of the phenomenon continued to elude the best efforts of researchers, the behavioral tests quickly revealed its primary effect. Persons presenting with this "shell" exhibited a level of greed and self-interest, along with an indifference to the suffering of others which sociologists averred had never been observed so consistently across such a large population.

Researchers frankly admit they are still baffled by many of the seemingly paradoxical aspects of C.R.A.B.S.

As late as December, 2000, all this data still had no name, no unifying concept. It not until that fateful gathering of physicians in Aspen on January 20, 2001, that the answer came. All the doctors present in the ski lodge give full credit to Hiram J. Nikorn, M.D., who, after sitting through the speeches of the new vice president and president leaped from his chair and shouted, "EUREKA! CRABS! CRABS! CRABS!"

In the excited ensuing discussion, the physicians began comparing notes and the realization dawned that they had ALL been seeing patients with various combinations of symptoms, but none with such a clear-cut, complete display of symptoms as they heard in the speeches from the inauguration platform. A conference call to CDC/WB that afternoon led to a weeks-long review of all the previously puzzling data, and finally to the identification of the disease.

No one at any point was able to come up with a more accurate, telling name than that which Dr. Nikorn had shouted in his first euphoric moments of clarity, so the CDC/WB accepted C.R.A.B.S. as the official nomenclature of choice.

TREATMENT of CRABS
In their press conference, researchers were quick to point out that they were only beginning to consider possible modes of treatment. They expressed confidence that now that they had identified and grouped the many complex symptoms of C.R.A.B.S. they would be able to move toward an effective cure. They even held out hope for the possibility of a vaccine.

The press conference ended on a humor note as researchers emphasized that reporters should help their readers distinguish between the harsh, sometimes fatal effect of the newly diagnosed C.R.A.B.S., and the harmless bother of the little lower-case creatures ("crabs") well-known among the sexually promiscuous.

Shortly after the close of the Waxahachie news conference, Republican leaders of the House and the Senate released a joint statement expressing doubt about the "hard science" of the CDC/WB research and questioning whether future funding for the Waxahachie Branch would be included in the federal budget currently under consideration. Tom DeLay (R-Tex) said pointedly, "These are the same kind of people who resist the teaching of Creation Science in our schools. Now they expect us to give them millions, probably billions, of the taxpayers’ dollars to support more of their devious, anti-God research."

The Waxahachie scientists distributed copies of a do-it-yourself test which citizens can use in the privacy of their own homes if they suspect they or any of their loved ones are suffering from C.R.A.B.S. The scientists urged all Americans as a preventive measure to take the test, which requires only five minutes. If the results are positive, the scientists said, while no treatment is as yet in sight, they are sure all CRABS-positive citizens will do the right thing and cease voting altogether until such time as treatment is available.