Tasteless Jokes 38 |
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| New Orleans Humor One day a Cajun died and went to Hell. The devil was making his rounds and saw the Cajun over in the corner having a party. "Hey, you!" said the devil. "You're not supposed to be having a good time in Hell. After all, it's burning hot in here." "Oh." said the Cajun. "It's not dat hot in here. It gets dis hot in Louisiana in July." The devil left but was determined to make it uncomfortable for the Cajun, so he turned up the temperature even more. Later the devil passed back by the Cajun and saw him boiling crawfish and having an even better time. "Hey!" said the devil. "You stop that! You're not supposed to be enjoying yourself in here. This is Hell and it's burning hot in here." "It's no big deal. It gets dis hot in Louisiana in August." The devil left very angry and was determined to make him uncomfortable. "Okay," said the devil, I'm going to make it cold." So he turned down the thermostat until it was freezing cold. When he went back by the Cajun, he saw from afar that the Cajun was jumping up and down in a frenzy, throwing up his hands, laughing and smiling. "This is really too much! Why is he so happy?" said the devil. As he got closer to the Cajun he could hear him shouting. "The Saints won the Super Bowl!" |
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| Values A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man is impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts. |
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| The Good Old Days When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash." |
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| A Penny Saved There were these friends who played golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the guy and said, "Sure." So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the guy did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them he was a hitman. The friends all laughed. The guy said, "No really, I'm a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you'd like." So one of the friends decided to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached it. He got all excited and said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit man replied, "Sure." So the guy looked for a second and said, "YEAH! I can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next-door neighbor! And he's naked too!" This really upset the guy, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replied, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The guy responded, "One thousand dollars? Well, okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife." The hit man agreed. He geared up and looked through the scope. He was looking for about five minutes until finally the man started to get really impatient and asked, "What are you waiting for?" The hitman replied, "Just hold on ... I'm a about to save you a thousand bucks!" |
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| Helpmate A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place. The man says, "What's the problem, officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. " Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt." The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk." |
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| Yum Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Me neither. Let's just lie back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "OK," said the first. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love baskin' robins." |
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| Seeing Is Believing Two nuns leave the convent to sell cookies. It’s getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. Nun 1: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour? Nun 2: Yes, I wonder what he wants. Nun 1: Obviously he wants to have his way with us. Nun 2: What can we do? Nun 1: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster. Nun 2: It is not working. He’s catching up. Nun 1: The only logical thing we can do is divide up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He can’t follow both of us. The nuns split up, and the man goes after Nun 1. Nun 2 arrives at the convent and is worried because Nun 1 hasn’t yet returned. Finally, Nun 1 shows up. Nun 2: Thank God you’re here! Tell us what happened! Nun 1: The man couldn’t follow both of us, so he followed me. I started to run as fast as I could. The man also started to run as fast as he could. He reached me. Nun 2: Oh, no! What did you do then? Nun 1: The only logical thing to do: I lifted my dress up. Nun 2: Oh, Sister. What did the man do? Nun 1: He pulled down his pants. Nun 2: Oh, no! What happened then? Nun 1: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down! END |
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128 pages of the best satire
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