How Far from Paradise?
by Ceci Lumley

A little test to see how far you are from, what shall we call it, Heaven? Paradise? Enlightenment? Nirvana?

The scoring is simple. We start on the assumption that this, this heaven/ paradise/ enlightenment is, like certain of the more exotic particles that physicists dream up, both everywhere and nowhere, namely at zero. And we start, optimistically, with the assumption that once you were there, at that selfsame zero. Life, being life, has tended to move you off, away from the zero. The questions we have for you will allow you to determine rather precisely just how far you've strayed. Each question comes with a number attached at the end, e.g.: [17]. You may find it convenient to think of that number in terms of miles. If the particular question applies to you, you are to add that number, first, to zero, and then keep a running total. Ready, then? Just this warning: some of the questions may seem funny, perhaps even irreligiously funny, but in a world which gives us both Belsen and Bush, painful laughter is best not avoided. Other questions will, we trust, strike you as more appropriately, severely serious. Take off your thinking cap, and let's begin.

1. You either have an SUV or wish you had one. [0.07 miles away]

2. You feel pangs of guilt when you consider your various sins of omission and commission. [0.1 miles away]

3. You believe that it is important when writing to capitalize pronomial references to the deity ("He", "Him", etc.). [0.2 miles away]

4. You believe that an idle mind is the devil's workshop. [2.76 miles away]

5. When the national song of your country is played at a public gathering, you stand, not because everyone else is standing but because you feel it important to display your respect. [3.55 miles away]

6. You pride yourself on the strength of your will power. [9.7 miles away]

7. You tithe religiously. [15.9 miles away]

8. You pray both for sinners whom you know and for sinners whom you've only heard about. [84.2 miles away]

9. The idea of a nude beach is disturbing to you. [175.3]

10. You consider the daily watching of television a basically harmless activity. [423 miles away]

11. The idea that Jesus had bowel movements is disturbing to you. [604 miles away]

12. You sincerely attempt to love the sinner while hating the sin. [4,518 miles away]

13. You feel closer to God when you are in church than at any other time. [16,933 miles away]

14. You have no objection to the cutting of an infant's genitals when the act is religiously prescribed. [291,043 miles away]

15. You believe people do bad things because they yield to some agency of evil such as the Devil. [362,983 miles away]

16. You would never vote for a leader who was an atheist or agnostic. [681,142 miles away]

17. You believe it is both acceptable and advisable to strike children in certain circumstances. [13,629,930 miles away]

18. In your heart of hearts, you suspect that much of the world's business is controlled by one ethnic group. [1,033,278,447 miles away]

19. In your heart of hearts, you believe that your own ethnic group deserves to control the world. [96,528,332,1476 miles away]

20. You have no idea how many human beings were killed by other human beings during the 20th century. [482,093,490,875,428,975.4 miles away]

TOTAL:

Enter here how many miles from Heaven
you at present are:

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END

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