Little Guido was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Guido replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars
at a time?"
Little Guido answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

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A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks?"

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What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

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Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

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How many rednecks does it take eat a possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

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Why did God invent armadillos?
So Texas rednecks can have possum on the halfshell.

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Then there’s the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

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How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

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How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

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Two television actors feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions. This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar just off Broadway. The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration, ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed, 'By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!' The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted, 'Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. Next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying Hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they hatch."
"That was a fine story, Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke & then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

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Did you hear about the blonde who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
She had it bronzed.

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Or the blonde who was shopping in Macy's when the power went out?
She was trapped for three hours on an escalator.

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And the blonde who never learned to waterski?
She couldn't find a lake with a slope.

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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

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Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

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Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?
She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.

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How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It’s the one with the kickstand.

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Why did the blonde take her new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight.

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