Lawyer Joke No. 174,534.
A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Colorado. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field,and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Colorado. We settle small disagreements like this with the Colorado Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Colorado Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"

 Overheard at a Medical Conference:
The Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we
can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in six weeks."
The German physician chimes in: "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a
lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks."
The Russian doctor, not to be outdone, sniffs: "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
Unable to take anymore, the American doctor jumps in with: "Ha! We're about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House, and the next day
half the country will be looking for work!"

Alternate Universe
Know what would have happened If it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, brought practical gifts and there would be peace on earth.

Intimate Options
One day on a job site, an older plumber was dispensing advice to an apprentice and told him,"A good bowel movement is better than sex!" To which the apprentice replied, "Either I don't know how to shit or you don't know how to fuck!"

Three More Ethnic Groups Offended
A Sicilian, a Scotsman and a Japanese fellow are hired as day laborers at a construction site. The Norwegian foreman points out a 10-foot high pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Japanese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. Iexpect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile."
So the foreman went away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Luigi, why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "How can I sweepa if I no gotta broom? You tella the
Japanese-a fella that he wuzza boss of the supplies, but he'sa disappear and I no coulda finda him anywhere."
The foreman then turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, Angus, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did, boot ah couldna' get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Japanese laddie in chairge of all the supplies, boot ah couldna' find him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off to look for the Japanese laborer. Just then, the Japanese guy gleefully leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES"!!

Hot Dog!
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"