by The Staff of Magellan's Log

To say that the current faux administration in Washington is causing widespread social dislocation is an understatement. To say that it is causing severe inner turmoil in any homo sapiens worthy of the name is a more accurate statement.

Ever with our finger on the national pulse, Magellan’s Log has determined that sensible persons reacting to the current federal buffoonery fall into four behavioral categories:

     1. Misfits.
     2. Curmudgeons.
     3. Spoilsports.
     4. Misothamnists.

What, you ask, is a "misothamnist"?

Not only is our finger on the national pulse, we also keep running tabs on how well English reflects contemporary reality. In the warped case of the current Washington Follies, we have determined that a new word is needed. Always desirous to be of service to American culture, Magellan’s Log has created this word:

                                             misothamnist.

"Miso" as in "misogynist," from the Greek root meaning "hate".

"Thamnist" from the Greek word "thamnos" (see title above for rendering in the Greek alphabet), meaning "bush" or "shrub". Thus, a misothamnist is one who suffers from incessant, compulsive, all-consuming dislike of bushes or shrubs.

(Lexicological Note: Our staff is split concerning the pronunciation of "misothamnist." Half want the accent on the first and third syllables: MIS-oh-THAM-nist. The other half want the accent on the second and fourth syllables: mis-AH-tham-NIST. Take your choice.)

It is our judgment that persons in the first three groups (misfits, curmudgeons, spoilsports) are experiencing only mild, intermittent, internal dislocations. Symptoms range from jocularity upon encountering the latest Bushism, to forwarding the newest tasteless Bush joke to everyone in your address book. Misfits, curmudgeons, and spoilsports, while upset by the 43rd president, can still get on with their lives.

Misothamnists, in contrast, are so severely impaired by their obsessive behavior that they are in danger of becoming totally dysfunctional, beyond the reach even of large doses of Prozac.

A question of some importance then is: Which are you?

To assist our readers, we have devised a self-diagnostic test. In the best tradition of accurate analysis, our test is multiple-choice. Each item has four possible responses.

An "A" answer indicates your are merely a misfit. A "B" answer indicates your are nothing more than a curmudgeon. A "C" answer indicates you are a spoilsport.

If you find yourself choosing a lot of "D" answers, we urge you to seek professional help at once. Your raging misothamnisty makes you a danger to the smooth functioning of Late Capitalist society, and also means you should probably not operate heavy machinery, have unsupervised access to the Internet, or consume any but the smallest quantities of feta cheese.



1. When Dubya’s face comes on TV,
    a. Your heart pauses, then palpitates.
    b. You clench your jaw and feel a strong urge to throw something at
        the TV.
    c. You smirk back.
    d. You visualize whirled Dubya.


2. When Dubya’s voice comes on TV,
    a. Your heart goes into uncontrolled fibrillation and you dial 911.
    b. You throw your Nokia at the TV.
    c. You give a Bronx cheer and fart several times.
    d. You projectile-vomit at the screen.


3. When Dubya’s daddy, comes on TV,
    a. You wish you had a voodoo doll.
    b. You stick pins in the voodoo doll which you keep by your chair for
        occasion such as this.
    c. You seriously question the vaunted wisdom of the revered
        Founding Fathers who devised a system that could promote not
        only a Man for All Expediencies to the presidency but his
        ne’er-do-well spawn besides.
    d. You get on-line and explore visa requirements, the cost of living,
        and bandwidth availability in Ulan Bator.


4. By what order of magnitude has your dependence on chemical modification of your consciousness increased since January 20, 2001?
    a. Twofold.
    b. Threefold.
    c. Fourfold.
    d. Tenfold.


5. Who or what do you blame for Dubya’s existence in the world?
    a. Poppy and Babs.
    b. Evolution.
    c. Jehovah.
    d. Satan.
    d. James Baker..
    d. The Boy Scouts of America.
    d. Strontium-90.
    d. The Protocols of the WASP Elders.
    d. The New Math.
    d. Diet Mountain Dew.


6. If Magellan’s Log started a movement to introduce a new verb, "to Dubya," into English, which meaning would you prefer?
    a. To speak in a garbled, mangled, single-digit-I.Q. manner.
    b. To gaze into the distance with slightly crossed eyes during
         public moments of high import.
    c. To empty one’s bowels, either literally or figuratively, in a diarrheic
        manner.
    d. To exist unquestioningly and permanently on the largesse of
        one’s patriarchal elders, while simultaneously doing their bidding.


7. If you could ask Dubya any question, what would it be?
    a. "Compare and contrast Kant’s epistemology with that of David
         Home."
    b. "Do you feel that, in the light of the disintegration of all prior
        esthetic theory brought about by recent French philosophers, the
        auteur-concept of film-making has lost all validity?"
    c. "If you buy 8 ounces of beluga caviar to use as Frito dip, at $300
         per ounce, how much will be added to Poppy’s next month’s
         platinum Visa bill?"
    d. "Do you sometimes wish you had never been born?"


8. How often have you fantasized Dubya and Katherine Harris in flagrante delicto?
    a. Once, and then I vomited.
    b. A few times, but each time I burst out laughing.
    c. Frequently, and I have to admit I really get off to the idea.
    d. Constantly.


9. What word would you choose to describe your feelings toward the state of Texas for having foisted Dubya off on the world?
    a. Bemused.
    b. Sclerotic.
    c. Really, really pissed off.
    d. Despairing.


10. How do you think the future will judge Dubya’s performance?
    a. Harshly.
    b. As that of a second Warren G. Harding.
    c. As the last straw that unleashed global climatic catastrophe.
    d. The question is invalid. It assumes humanity will survive his
        regime.

END

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