Magellan's Log: The Chad Report, No. 3

No. 3 in an On-going Series

To the Reader:
While the Republican oligarchs keep tossing token crumbs (they apparently still don't know that "Oreo" is more than a cookie) to the masses of people of color who voted against them, Magellan's Log continues its aggressive, authentic reportage directly from Africa. Surely it is one of the marvels of the new millennium that a country previously known only for the photographs of its starving children has now been made famous through glitches in American electoral technology. We are just super-pleased to be getting the Chaddian take on geopolitical questions.
For readers who missed Nfubi's previous report: the hot rumor in Chad continues to be that it is just a matter of time until Katherine Harris, heroine of the Florica coup, is appointed US "ambassadortrix" (to use Nfubi's charming coinage) to the Republic of Chad.

Aside to Nfubi Kwaadutu:
Nfubi, we reminded you in our note to your previous report that you need to check on the spelling of Ms. Harris's first name. If you are going to treat her as a goddess, surely you can spell her name correctly.

2nd Aside to the Reader:
Note that Nfubi's dispatch breaks off in mid-sentence, apparently when the power-grid in Chad when down. We know it's hard for Americans to imagine such a thing, but you must remember that Chad is so deprived that it hardly even qualified as a "developing" country.

Greetings from Chad!

It is highly gratifying that you have chosen to publish my first dispatch [Magellan's Log 28: Report from Chad] from the mother country so promptly. Perhaps some of the giddy excitement we feel about the imminent arrival of the legendary Ms. Harris is also being felt on your side of The Great Ocean?

You ask if we call ourselves Chaddites, Chaddians, or Chaddoes. It is true that we sometimes call the more technophobic and less progressive of our citizens Chaddites, but normally we refer to ourselves simply as Chads. There are variations, of course: we frequently refer to our famous cheesemakers as Chadders, and gossips are often called Chadderboxes. But for the most part, a simple "Chad" will describe our citizens adequately. You can imagine how much occasion that gave us for wordplay and humour during your splendid Florida election coup. When we heard your newscasters refer to dimpled Chads and pregnant Chads, the more worldly among us found that most amusing. And at least one radio station, operated by a fundamentalist religious group, censored all references to hanging Chads. As we say in one of our two official languages, "y honi soit qui mal y pense".

katherineharris.jpg (16521 bytes) The photograph of Ms. Harris that you chose to illustrate my letter was splendid, and I saved it to a floppy disk (thank you so much, by the way, for the splendid company computer), and took it to the central N'Djamena Kinko's franchise and ordered a laminated 11"-by-17" color laser-jet printout. I then personally took this to our Most Exalted President, Colonel Bouche, to let him see for himself what a fine lady the United States will be sending to our unworthy little nation. He was amazed at the fragile beauty and strength of character that were so clearly displayed in the photo, and asked if he could borrow it. I replied that it would be an honour to give him the portrait to keep forever, which I did, giving him to understand that this was a gift from the prestigious American publication Magellan's Log, about which he knew little up to then.

Taking leave of President Bouche, I returned to the Kinko's and ordered another laminated blow-up, which I keep taped to the wall next to my computer to inspire my daily efforts. It is like having a Goddess or a Guardian Angel smiling down on all that I do. But as I look at this picture, my heart also grows as heavy as a male water buffalo. I notice that Ms. Kathryn's [sic] right eye is black-and-blue, just like the title of the Rolling Stones album that my uncle Ousmanne gave me many years ago. It has suffered such a blow that even her eyebrow is badly dislocated, and all the blue makeup that she has applied to that eye is insufficient to conceal the terrible bruise below.

Here in the Chad press corps we have heard rumours that this blow was inflicted by her secret lover, a well-known Florida political figure who was angered that she didn't deliver a large majority of votes for Gov. George W. Bush, to whom he is closely related. We correspondents feel that this was most unchivalrous, particularly in light of all her heroic efforts to fight off the new vote counts. These sentiments, of course, only deepen the immense love that we Chads feel for this heroic and idealistic lady. Already there is talk in the capital of plans for erecting a large equestrienne statue of Ms. Harris in the very center of the Square of The Glorious Republic. This would require the removal of several coconut trees, and, predictably, some of the local environmentalists are expressing opposition to the idea, but I feel that sanity and justice will prevail and we will see this Iron Lady seated on a bronze or aluminum horse before the year 2001 is over.

Now I must hasten to finish this dispatch and transmit it, for the hour of 8 p.m. approaches, and, as your readers may not know, that is when we suspend electrical service in the capital for the evening. We are indeed fortunate to get service from 8 a.m. to noon, and 4 p.m. to 8 p.m., five days a week, which is 33% more than the rest of the country. I have been told that when Ms. Harris arrives, President Bouche may extend the hours of service that evening until she has been made comfortable in her quarters at the Embassy. We are nothing if not hospitable people.

Well, now I'm off to transmit, since it's 7:58. I hope you are not angered that I put the cost of the laminated photos on the Magellan's Log company credit card -- I can confidently assure you that the gift of the original photo has disposed President Bouche most favorably toward our organisation, and that he will undoubedl y...

Your faithful correspondent,
Nfubi Kwaadutu.

END

Back to Magellan's Log 29

Magellan's Log front page

Send this page to a friend.