The Bush-Baker Survival Kit

by Nicholas Momurray

Yes, it is a difficult time for any person whose social conscience has not been entirely suffocated by venal and expedient self-interest. To aid such persons in their struggles, we have assembled The Bush-Baker Survival Kit.

The kit consists of the following essential items.
     1 Baby Bivo.
     2 Bush DNA Protector Packets (1 purse-size and 1 pocket-size).
     1 doz. Texas Tourist Stay-Alive Masks.
     1 set Texas Accent Magic Tutor Tapes.
     1 doz. "Don’t Mess with Florida" Bumperstickers.

Kit price: $4995.00 (including shipping and handling).

Or you may purchase the survival tools separately. See following descriptions and prices. (Note: when purchased separately, shipping and handling are not included.)

Baby Bivo.
$2995.
Place Baby Bivo in the vicinity of any radio or TV (no wired to attach!), press the On button, and Baby Bivo immediately begins monitoring the audio output of the adjacent device. When Baby Bivo perceives the occurrence of any of the following words—Bush, Baker, Cheney, Harris, Powell, Ashcroft, Laura, Barbara, Poppy, Texas, Crawfrod, compassionate, bipartisan, subliminable—the device immediately silences the audio and continues to monitor the output. If after 2 minutes, none of the objectionable words have recurred, Baby Bivo restores the audio output and you continue listening with minimally disturbed pleasure. Manafacturer’s Note: Some may think Baby Bivo is overpriced. We ask only one question: What is your peace of mind worth?

Bush DNA Protector Packet [Limited Availability].
Purse-size: $995.
Pocket-size: $1495.
Through means we don’t need to go into here, we have managed to come up with a limited number of samples of Bush-family DNA. (We will say this: the acquisition of these samples, while not illegal, was trying, involving lurking the trash disposal areas of certain hair-cutting and styling salons in Austin, Houston, and Dallas.) Researchers at a prestigious research institution which shall remain nameless the incorporated these samples in a limited run of Bush DNA Protector Packets. You simply keep one of these packets on or near your person. If a human being with matching DNA (in other words, any member of the present-day Bush clan) comes within 500 feet of your person, the Bush DNA Protector Packet turns red and begins to vibrate softly, thus giving you fair warning to vacate the premises.*
*Like so many, we have encountered the rumor going around the Internet, that a clove of garlic will in fact ward off any Bush who approaches you. Having been unable to confirm this rumor, we suspect that it is merely another urban legend.

Texas Tourist Stay-Alive Mask
$99.95 per dozen, or $1150 per gross.
Persons who for whatever reason find themselves in Texas would be well-advised to stock up on the Texas Tourist Stay-Alive Mask. The chic off-white design fits over your mouth and nose, rather in the manner of the masks seen on surgeons, and by means of an exclusive combination of filtering agents removes all noxious Texas particulate matter from the incredibly polluted air which you will be breathing as long as you are in the Lone Star State. Design Consultant: R. J. Quisenberry, former advisor to the Orange County Clean-Air Consortium.

Texas Accent Magic Tutor Tapes
$29.95 for 10 one-hour lessons.
Some business persons of course will have no choice but to go to Washington and deal with Bush appointees and/or the Bush-controlled Congress and/or the Bush-controlled Supreme Court. Success in such quests may not depend entirely on having a passable Texas accent, but you can bet your wife’s Suburban that if you DON’T have such an accent, your chances drop to zero. With these tapes "yew kin larn how to tawk rat" in just a few hours. Order today and we’ll throw in a bonus tape of the late John Henry Faulk reading his Texas Christmas story which PBS persists in broadcasting every year and which seems to go on forever and is about as pleasant as a hundred fingernails on a hundred blackboards but, God, does he have the accent down.

"Don’t Mess with Florida" Bumpersticker
$0.49 each. $4.95 per dozen. $49.95 per gross.
Ideal protective coloration for all your vehicles, this bumpersticker plays off the well-known Texas slogan, "Don’t Mess with Texas," orginally designed to discourage littering. Obviously, our Florida version changes the meaning of the slogan rather nicely and, when prominently displayed, will convince your neighbors and other drivers that politically you fully sympathized with Jim Baker’s pained expression as he wrested Florida’s electoral votes away from the voters of Florida.

END

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