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The Big 3
Pat Buchanan, Mao Zedong, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. God told them that there was nothing they could do to alter his decision, but they would be allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. So, Pat Buchanan went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there IS a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Mao Zedong went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first bad new is that there IS a God. The second bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and better news. The first good news is that God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. The second good news is that you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 2000."

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Which Newspaper do You Read?
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but who don't understand The Washington Post.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

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Pucker Up
A man had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay" she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"They fired her, too."

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Bronx Bombers Redux
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.

The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

Well," said the officer. "I am simply confused. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole."

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Now, About an Alibi...
During a recent Tuesday outing, Marilyn sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Marilyn stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

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The Problem's Not Just Hairy Palms
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asks the mother." I was taking a pee and this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears." It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened....you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."