Re: 20th Century. Dear Madams and Sirs: The more I think about it, the more it seems like the 20th century was a bad idea. Therefore,: Historians of the world: delete! Your esteemed members would be the first to admit that history, as written, always leaves stuff out. I am writing to suggest that present-day historians in the brand spanking new millennium, both in their serious, tenure-gaining academic works and in their superificial badly written, pandering best-seller-list works, henceforth leave the 20th century out. Just clear the slate of all those confusing, bloody smudges messing up the years, 1900-1999. How can you leave out an entire century? Easy. For example, you’re writing along in your study of rapacious, exploitative 19th century capitalism, and you get as far as December 31, 1899. Pleased with your half-fawning, half-eviscerating portraits of the various robber barons, you bring that chapter to a close. When the next chapter starts, suddenly it’s January 1, 2000, and you get to start in on Bill Gates, Murdoch, Sam Walton, Leona Helmsley, and the like. What a nice smooth segue, because after all, what’s changed except the names of the players? Who will notice that anything’s missing? I mean, what’s to miss? And that’s precisely my point. Do we really need constant reminders (in alphabetical order) in the history books to which we expose our children in school of: 1918 influenza epidemics, Clearly the answer is "no". More accurately: "NO!!!" All you latter-day Herodotuses in your computerized ivory towers, I ask you to consider how much clearer our own thinking will be, and how much happier our children will become, if we and they no longer have to contend with the garbage dump that the 20th century left behind. Let us remember that departed time only by the good things--Zippo lighters, instant cake mixes, Scotch tape. We’ll all be better off with the help of collective, selective amnesia. For the sake of humanity, hit the delete key NOW! Sincerely, P.S. While you're near the delete key, how about taking out the opening months of the 21st century as well, giving us a chance to start the millennium again on January 1, 2001? END
|
128 pages of the best satire
from 6 years of Magellan's Log. Well beyond chortles, Is It
Empire Yet? verges on the downright hilarious. "Swiftian," says
one reader. "Rib-splitting," says another. "Brilliantly, uproariously
offensive to all right-thinking Republicans," says yet another. 128 pp. Paperback.
8.5" x 11". ISBN 0-9767821-3-8. $21.95:
