Are You
a Curmudgeon?
by Harriet Lobdell

So you’re having a little trouble dealing with the new millennium. Just how much trouble?

Are you a curmudgeon? A prick? A gadfly? Or just a plain old-fashioned Republican?

Find out below with our quickie test of cultural maladjustment.

1. You watch an American Olympic diver come from way behind to win a gold medal. A TV person asks her what she’s feeling. The teary-eyed teenager announces to the global audience, "In the body of Christ all things are possible." What is your reaction?

You are a curmudgeon if: You move to your computer and, even knowing it will never make it past the newspaper’s dustbin, compose an angry letter to the New York Times.
You are a prick if: You hurl your Bud Lite at the TV screen.
You are a mere gadfly if: You smile benignly at the naivity of youth.
You are an old-fashioned cloth-coat Republican if: You grimace and feel a pain in your mid-section as your old ulcer acts up.


2. Skimming the local newspaper, your eye inadvertently falls on a shoe store ad and you are shocked to see how much a pair of Doc Martens goes for. What is your reaction?

You are a curmudgeon if: You resolve to actually start writing your autobiography so that the misguided younger generation can have the benefit of your hard-won wisdom.
You are a prick if: You purchase several packs of bubble gum, chew each piece just enough to make it sticky, and deposit them on the sidewalk outside your town’s favorite rave site.
You are a mere gadfly if: You search out Ralph Nader’s web site and using your Visa card send $100 to his anti-sweatshop project.
You are an old-fashioned cloth-coat Republican if: You reach for a Tums.


3. In spite of everything, you feel a need to stay in touch with the world (such as it is), so you persist in reading the local newspaper. This morning’s issue contains an editorial praising the many selfless, patriotic contributions through public service to the Republic by the Bush family. What is your reaction?

You are a curmudgeon if: You call your best friend and the two of you spend an hour commiserating about the sorry state of the world and its no doubt impending end.
You are a prick if: You fantasize a trip to Kennebunkport culminating in scattering thousands of fish hooks in the sand along the waterfront.
You are a mere gadfly if: You begin making inquiries about the financial feasibility of emigrating to Bhutan.
You are an old-fashioned cloth-coat Republican if: You take your second Prozac of the day.


4. You are settled nicely in lane 3 of the freeway in your 1984 Civic. A Suburban gets right on your rear bumper, inches away, and stays there. What is your reaction?

You are a curmudgeon if: You move to lane 4 and flip off the Suburban as it passes you.
You are a prick if: You roll down your window and empty your McDonald’s Extra Large Diet Coke into the slipstream so that it splatters over the Suburban’s windshield.
You are a mere gadfly if: You tap your brakes. The Suburban slows, then moves back to your bumper. You tap your brakes again. You repeat until the Suburban passes you, its driver shaking his fist down at you.
You are an old-fashioned cloth-coat Republican if: You reach into the glove pocket for the Maalox.


5. Leaning proprietarily on your cubicle partition, your superior, who is seven years younger than you are, suggests that you need to get into the unbreakable habit of using the spellcheck. What is your reaction?

You are a curmudgeon if: You fart silently.
You are a prick if: You fantasize subjecting your superior’s testicles to your Weedeater for five minutes.
You are a mere gadfly if: As soon as your superior has departed, you hack out of the company network, change to your hotmail alias, and send a note to your superior thanking him for his contribution to the Aryan Nations website.
You are an old-fashioned cloth-coat Republican if: You nod, smile benignly, and take a big sip of your rum-laced coffee.


6. The teenager closest to you (son, daughter, niece, nephew, whatever) announces that he/she is about to add a genital ornament to his/her already plentiful ear/nose/lip piercings. What is your reaction?

You are a curmudgeon if: You ignore your own twinge of genital tumescence and begin composing in your mind an op-ed column for the local newspaper concerning the degeneracy of the younger generation.
You are a prick if: You tell the kid a story, which you make up on the spot, about a nurse friend of yours who has actual photos of gangrenous Prince Albert installations.
You are a mere gadfly if: You fantasize the scene the next time the kid goes through an airport metal detector.
You are an old-fashioned cloth-coat Republican if: You find your memory calling up the last fire-and-brimstone evangelist you flipped past on cable, and you think maybe the man’s message deserves closer attention.


7. Ultra-low frequency bass notes from the car stopped next to you at the red light pound your solar plexus. The words above the beat seem to focus on rape, racial slurs, and the desirability of students carrying AK-47’s in the public schools. What is your reaction?

You are a curmudgeon if: You smirk and turn up your Best of Windham Hill CD ("All-time Great Hits of Piano Noodling").
You are a prick if: You pull out the Glock you keep under the driver’s seat and casually rest it on the window sill, aimed at the adjacent car.
You are a mere gadfly if: You follow the car until it pulls into Burger King. After the driver goes inside, you stuff a potato up the tailpipe.
You are an old-fashioned cloth-coat Republican if: After a swig of Maalox, a Tums, and another Prozac (the third of the day), you pull out a fifth of Jack Daniel’s and toast the offending driver before chugalugging the entire bottle.

END

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