Are You TV-Deprived?
by Sawyer Brown

Hurtling into the new millennium, we all are scrambling to construct an appropriately future-oriented life. Minimal requirements: at least one SUV; at least one cellphone; a couple of Palms; digital camera; at least three email addresses; casual disdain for (choose one) Macs, PC's, or Linux; and a fluent acquaintance with the contents of a hundred or so TV channels.

All but the last are easy. They're material goods, so all you have to do is go out and buy them. But the kicker is TV fluency. No matter how well equipped you are materially with all the latest gadgets, if you are not at least minimally video-hip, you open yourself to all kinds of social, professional, esthetic, and even sexual gaffs which can do untold damage to your millennial lifestyle.

Herewith, then, a quick checkup to bolster your day-to-day, nay, your minute-to-minute confidence as you moved through the wired/wireless world. Are you truly wired? Let's find out.

Jot down the answers that most nearly describe your viewing habits and then go to the scoring section at the end to see how you stand.

1. How many times have you watched the "tribbles" episode of the original Star Trek?
    a. 0.    b. 1.    c. Several.     d. More than 5.

2. How many episodes of the original "Survivor" did you NOT see?
    a. More than 5.    b. Several.    c. 1.     d. 0.

3. Within how many months of its first broadcast in 1981 did you begin to watch MTV?
    a. More than 12.    b. 12.    c. 6.     d. 1.

4. Which of the following do you consider the most cool?
    a. Dave Garroway.    b. Jack Paar.     c. Johnny Carson.
    d. You gotta be kidding.

5. Which re-runs will people still be watching in 40 years?
    a. E.R.    b. Seinfeld.    c. Letterman.    d. HGTV.

6.  How many channels does your household have access to?
    a. 0-20.    b. 21-50.    c. 51-100.    d. More than 100.

7. Which of the following politicians was most effective on TV?
    a. Richard Nixon.    b. Jimmy Carter.     c. Ronald Reagan.
    d. Bill Clinton.

8. Which of these is the best sit com?
    a. M.A.S.H.    b. Seinfeld.     c. South Park.    d. Ab Fab.

9. How many hours per week do you spend doing something else when you COULD be watching TV?
    a. More than 40.    b. 25-39.     c. 10-24.    d. Fewer than 10.

10. Pretend that all four of the following are on at the same time. Which would you watch?
    a. Presidential campaign debate.
    b. Finals of the Olympics gymnastic competition.
    c. The Oscars.
    d. An hour-long program showing the best of this year's
        Clio's winners.

SCORING:
Give yourself 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 5 for each "c", and 10 for each "d".

SCORING KEY:
10-20: You are living in the past. You are an anachronism. You are a dinosaur. Go back to your books. Why are you even taking this quiz? You KNOW what you are and you know your kind will soon be extinct.

21-40: While quaintly old-fashioned, you probably have a certain charm about you. Your media malapropisms may sufficiently endear you to your hipper colleagues that you will survive (though certainly not thrive) in the new millennial world.

41-70: Don't despair. You've almost got it, though the gaps in your video knowledge will lead to some embarrassing moments. All you need to do is cut out a few more non-video activities (do you really need to jog three times a week? do you really need to help your children with their homework EVERY night?).

71-100: Congratulations. You have created a solid foundation of media awareness which will stand you in excellent stead as you make your way through the maze of millennial career opportunities. You will never find yourself lacking in conversational savvy when dealing with your colleagues, and in fact your own media-reference zingers will do much to improve your access to vested stock options. Your only real problem will come in find a soulmate whose video immersion equals your own.

END

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