Tasteless Jokes 21

Little Johnny We Shall Always Have with Us
    One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

Little Johnny boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "’Holy Shit! A talking pig!’"


Quickies:
Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.


C'est la vie.
At age 4, success is......not peeing in your pants
At age 12, success is.....having friends
At age 16, success is.....having a drivers license
At age 20, success is.....having sex
At age 35, success is.....making money
At age 60, success is.....having sex
At age 70, success is.....having friends
At age 75, success is.....having a drivers license
At age 80, success is.....not peeing in your pants >>


Fast on the Uptake
An Asian man walked into a currency exchange in NYC with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week he again walked in with 2000 yen, but only received $66. He asked the teller why he received less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"


Blondes We Shall Always Have with Us
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with the lovely blonde, Jan, his regular sales woman.

As Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he asked to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar!

I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"


That Johnny
A Sunday school teacher was instructing her class. Just before she dismissed them to go to church she asked them, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny was quick to blurt out what he was certain was the correct answer, "Because people are sleeping!"


Drill Sergeants We Shall Always Have with Us
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line."


Beyond the Blue Light Special
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma’am I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That’s a six-foot graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and ten-pound test line. It’s a good all-around rod and reel and it’s $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her—being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."


A Coupla Aces

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.

The first guy says, "Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, "What’s wrong?"

He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I’ll go over."

He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, "What’s wrong?"

The first guy says, "Small world."


Next!
Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. The devil tells him he has a choice of three punishments.
The first room has Ken Starr with a whip and chains. Bill says definitely not.

The second room has Hillary with a butcher knife and an evil laugh. Bill says no way.

In the third room, he sees Al Gore being serviced by Monica Lewinsky.

"Hmmm," says Bill, "I think I can handle that."

The devil walks over, taps Monica on the shoulder and tells her, "OK, you’re relieved."


How the West Was Won
A woman was driving into a small town late one night and nearly ran off the road near the outskirts when a coyote jumped right in front of her vehicle. She was further shocked when a cowboy ran after the coyote, caught it at the side of the road, and began to sodomize it.

The woman sped off into the town to find the local sheriff. She spotted his car in front of the local bar. "It figures," she muttered and went in.

As she walked into the bar she spied an old man with a long beard, sitting in the corner masturbating freely. The woman gasped and stomped up to the bar to where the sheriff was sitting.

"What kind of town are you running here!" she yelled. "I nearly get killed avoiding some cowboy sodomizing a coyote! And now I come in here and there’s an old man jacking-off right there in plain view!"

The sheriff slowly looked at the old man and then back at the woman. "Ma’am," he said, "you don’t expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do you?"

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