Offensive Jokes 15

It is the rare piece of humorous writing that is actually helpful in getting on with the manifold tasks of living. This month we forgo our usual collection of offensive jokes to bring you a single essay, because it offers so much direct aid for the life-challenged.

Who is Jack Schitt?

How many of us have found ourselves in this embarrassing social situation: Someone says to us, "You don’t know Jack Schitt!" And we have to admit they’re right. We don’t know Jack Schitt.

No more. We set our investigative reporters to work and they have produced the definitive Jack Schitt genealogy. Henceforth, you will be able to respond that you in fact know Jack Schitt quite well.

Jack was the only son of Awe and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married his third cousin twice removed, O. Schitt, the daughter of the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married another cousin, Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, Fulla, Giva, Bull, and the twins, Deep and Dip.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married a distant cousin, Dumb, a high school dropout.

Sadly, after 15 years of wedded bliss, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe later remarried, finding true love in the arms of local merchant Ted Sherlock. Because several of her children were still living with her, Noe decided to retain her previous married name as well. Thus she was known around town as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Time passed, and one of the twins, Dip Schitt, married yet another cousin, Loda, eventually producing a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the remaining daughters, Fulla and Giva were inseparable throughout childhood. After high school, they both became enamored of two of the Happens brothers, both local football heroes. The dual-ceremony wedding, the event of the social season, was announced in the local paper as the "Schitt-Happens Marriage."

The Schitt-Happens offspring included Dawg, Bird, and Hoarse. Dawg joined the Navy, saw the world, and eventually returned with his lovely Italian bride, Pisa.

Pisa is currently pregnant. Members of the extended Schitt family are wracking their brains to come up with a name for the baby.

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