Capitalist Checklist

How good a capitalist are you? More specifically, how good an orthodox American capitalist are you? We've made it really easy to find out. Just read through the questions, jotting down your points for each question. You'll find a scoring guide at the bottom of this page.


1. Give yourself one point for each $100,000 in the value of your investment portfolio (maximum: 10 points).

2. Give yourself one point for each time you have voted the straight (so to speak) Republican ticket (maximum: 10 points).

3. Give yourself five points if you own a copy of Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations.

4. Give yourself one point for each copy of Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations you’ve given as a gift (maximum: 10 points).

5. Give yourself one point for each racially, sexually, or religiously derogatory term you have ever used in speaking with friends (maximum: 10 points).

6. Give yourself one point for each vehicle you have owned which averages less than 20 miles per gallon EPA city (maximum: 10 points).

7. Give yourself one point for each visit you have made to the school of one of your children to discuss your child's violent behavior.

8. Give yourself one point for each firearm you own (maximum: 10 points).

9. Give yourself one point for each member of Congress whom you or your secretary can reach directly with one phone call.

10. Give yourself one point for each banquet you have attended which was also attended by:
        a. George Bush (either one).
        b. Dan Quayle.
        c. Phyllis Shlafley.
        d. Trent Lott.
        e. Rush Limbaugh.
        f. Rudy Giuliani.
        g. Pat Robertson.
        h. The Doles (either one).

11. Give yourself five points if your favorite part of the Wall Street Journal is the editorial page.

12. Give yourself five points if you’ve ever flown the Concorde.

13. Give yourself two points for each of the following places in which you have vacationed:
        a. Hilton Head.
        b. Monaco.
        c. Bali.
        d. Tahiti.
        e. South Africa.
        f. Antarctica.
        g. A Leona Helmsley hotel.
        h. The Beverly Hills Hotel.
        i. The White House.

14. Give yourself one point for each pair of shoes you own that cost more than $100 (maximum: 10 points).

15. Give yourself ten points for each household servant (full- or part-time) whom you employ.

Scoring:
The only people who vociferously celebrated the "victory" of capitalism were capitalists, that is, people with a deeply vested interest—money, power, fame, or combinations thereof—in the system. No doubt the Visigoths had their own enthusiastic analysts who celebrated the "victory" over the Roman Empire.

A study of history is all that’s necessary to realize that this "victory"   of capitalism will turn out to be a short-lived blip on the long, slow curve in the development of an egalitarian civilization. Secure in his/her towers, his/her gated communities, the modern capitalist hardly realizes how fragile the enormous concentration of wealth in the hands of the few is.

It after all took only one asteroid to do in the dinosaurs. In memory of that event, then, our scoring labels (remember, size matters only in a world that supports and encourages the breeding of more dinosaurs):

If you score…
Over 100: You are a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
80-100: A Brontosaurus.
60-80: A Triceratops.
40-60: A Pterodactyl.

Below 40: You show dangerous signs of being politically progressive. You should probably give serious thought to moving to Holland.

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