Apocalypse When?
A Checklist for the Equity-challenged

Is the end at hand? How dire are your NASDAQ straits? Is the bloom off the old techno-rose? Use the Magellan's Log checklist to find out how close to the financial brink you are. How many of these statements apply to your present situation?

1. A repo man has been seen cruising your
           street lately at 3 a.m.

2. The St. Vincent de Paul resale store
          nearest your neighborhood has opened
          a shoe department devoted exclusively to
          Ferragamo suede loafers.

3. Your local Starbucks now dispenses
         Maxwell House. In used McDonald's cups.

4. You got up one morning recently to
         observe that a neighbor has converted his
         satellite dish to a birdbath.

5. You ordered pizza last week and discovered
         the delivery person is your neighbor's
         teenage son.

6. Next time you saw the kid, you contrived to
         ask him how much he makes in tips.

7. Unable to pay the electricity bill for your
         automated wine cellar, you unplugged it and
         have now become a connoisseur of fine
         vinegars.

8. At 3 a.m. last Saturday you heard a noise
         outside. You went to the window and saw
         your Escalade disappearing down the street
         behind the repo man's truck.

9. You recently asked your teenage son to give
          you his sterling silver Prince Albert so you
          can pawn it.

10. Ceasing payments to your various satellite
          services, you last month surreptitiously
          mounted a TV antenna in the attic.

11. Unable to afford to refill your Viagra
          prescription, you stopped at the local sex
          shop and purchased a 98-cent rubber cock
          ring.

12. You suggested that your Lolita-ish
            teenage daughter create her own
            pay-per-view web site.

13. Your broker called and recommended that
           the few dollars remaining in your account
           be placed in the money market.

14. As the last purchase at amazon.com
           before Visa recalled your platinum card,
           your spouse bought a macramé book.

15. You, your spouse, and your two children
          now spend your evenings watching NBC
          while doing macramé piecework to sell at
          the local flea market.

16. You replaced the wall of spice shelves in
            the pantry with heavy-duty metal industrial
            shelving to support 100-pound bags of
            rice and potatoes.

17. At 4 a.m. Monday you heard a noise
           outside, went to the window, and saw
           your spouse's Miata disappearing down
           the street behind the repo man.

18. At the end of the exit interview with the
         maid, you asked if any of her relatives
         have a car they might be interested
         in selling.

19. Your former maid called and offered to
            buy your family's entire macramé output
           to sell in the flea markets of her Central
            American country.

20. You declined the maid's offer (she wanted
            a 25% commission) and decided to use
            your time-share Bimini condo, which you
            have paid ahead for 5 years, as an offshore
            outlet for the family's macramé production.

Scoring:
Of course, the mere fact that you used the check list indicates some awareness on your part that 14 credit cards may already be a few too many.

Number of items which apply to you:

16-20:
Your best bet is probably re-training through your local community college as a building maintenance engineer's assistant.

11-15:
Ask your former maid if she's interested in a
part-time ESL tutor for her children.

< 11:
Don't worry about that fact that you've started wetting the bed. We're sure it's just a nervous tick of the bladder that'll pass as soon as your investments begin to give you a 30% annual return again.

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Magellan's Log 14

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