Your persistance in relying on bulk purchases of cut-rate condoms is about to catch up with you. It’ll soon be time to pay the piper for all those who use anything less than Milan-designed, French- manufactured prophylaxsis. Furthermore, you would be well-advised to use only colors near the upper end of the visible-light spectrum (you can never go wrong with fuchsia). You might also want to check your orifice aura-balance.

Try to shift your focus from quantity to quality. Instead of going for a series of puny little micro-orgasmic spasms, aim toward the real earth-mover. If, when you're done, at least two gew-gaws in your living room have not fallen from their shelves, you're not doing something right.

The fact that you’re going through a three-pack of Gillette’s every week just to keep your palms shaved ought to tell you something.