Tasteless Jokes 13

Noblesse oblige
One afternoon, a wealthy Republican is riding in the back of his limousine when he sees two men eating grass by the road side. He orders his driver to stop and he gets out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asks.

"We don’t have any money for food," replies the poor man.

"Oh, come along with me then," says the rich man.

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", the Republican says to the poor man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answers.

"Bring them as well!" shouts the Republican.

They all climb into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The Republican replies, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

69
A Chinese couple gets married. The new bride is a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring . "My darring, I know dis you firs time and you flighten. I plomise you, I give you anysing you want, I do anysing you want. What you want?" "I wanna hava Number 69," she replies. He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You wanna beef with broccori???"

Victoria's Other Secret
A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to those panties."

Sanctity
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather unusual order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

He told the associate priest that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say mass for him that day. As soon as the associate priest left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church. At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE-IN-ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who’s he going to tell?"

Size Problems
A few weeks before her upcoming marriage the young bride decides to tell her fiancé about her medical problem. She explains to him that her tits will never be larger than a small infant's. Her groom turns to her and says, "That's okay, I have a problem too. My penis will never be larger than a small infant either."

Their wedding night comes around and they finally make it back to their hotel room. The next thing you know the bride comes flying out of their room screaming, with her groom shouting, "I told you it would never be larger than a small infant... 8 pounds, 14 inches!"

Teed Off
One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day.

Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro. The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods. The pro remarked, "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip--as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts." The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently, teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the best rounds of his life.

The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said, "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip--as if you were holding your husband's penis." Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said, "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands, and not in your mouth this time."

To Each His or Her Own
A nun gets into the back of a taxi and as the taxi driver takes off she tells him that she likes to have sex. The driver finds this very odd but asks her if she would have sex with him. She replies, "Yes, but I don't have sex with married men or men who have children...and one more thing...the front is for God and the back is for you" as she points to her pussy and then to her ass. The driver gets in the back and starts fucking her up the ass and then stops. The nun asks, "Why did you stop?" The driver zips up his pants and says, "I just want you to know that I'm married and have two children." The nun pulls her dress down and says, "Well, if you're ready for confessions, my name is Bob and I'm on my way to a costume party."

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