Dirty Jokes 11

RU-OVER 12
A man walks into a drugstore and heads for the pharmacy counter. He says, "I need some birth control." Seeing the puzzled look on the pharmacists face, he goes on to say: "It’s for my 12-year old daughter." The pharmacist asks, "Is your 12-year old daughter sexually active?" The man replies, "Not really. She just lies there and takes it like her mom."


Beyond Monty Python
A man thinks that his wife is cheating on him with another woman so he goes to find a talking parrot. He walks into the first store and asks the clerk how much is their best talking bird, and the clerk says $500. So he says how much is your least talking bird and the clerk says $400.

He goes to another store and he asks the clerk how much their best talking bird is and the clerk says $300. Then he ask the price of their cheapest talking bird and the clerk says $200.

At the next store, the clerk says their best talking bird is only $25, and the man says he’ll take it. When the clerk gets back with the bird he tells the man the bird has no legs. The man asks how he stays on the bar and the clerk says he wraps his penis around the bar.

He takes the bird home and puts it in his wife’s room. The next day he goes back into the room and starts talking to the bird. First he asks what happened while he was gone. The bird says first his wife walked into the room with another woman following her. Then they undressed and got into the bed. The man says what happened after that. The bird says, "I don’t know I fell off the bar."


Yuppie at Work
A beautiful woman sits down on a barstool next to a young man. She asks him if he would like a handjob. He replies, "Yes!" She says that’ll be fifty dollars. He says, "No thanks. No handjob is worth fifty bucks". She says, "Come outside with me. I want to show you something."

They go outside and she points to a beautiful, cherry-red Lamborghini. She says, "See that car? With the money I’ve earned from giving handjobs I paid cash for that car." The young man says, "Well, if they’re that good, I gotta try one." He gives her fifty bucks and she proceeds to jerk him off. And this handjob is absolutely blowing his mind. When she finishes, he just can’t stop raving about how incredible it was. She smiles, gets in her Lamborghini, and leaves.

Two weeks pass and the guy is thinking, if her handjobs are that incredible what must her blowjobs be like? He goes back to the same bar and meets the same woman. He asks her, "How much for a blowjob?" She replies," $200." He yells "No way! No blowjob is that good!" She once again asks him to go outside with her, and they drive to a huge mansion. She says" See that mansion ? With the money I made from giving blowjobs I paid cash for that." So the guy, not fully convinced, but remembering how good the handjob was gives her $200. She grabs his penis and gives him the blowjob of his life. It’s so good he can’t believe it. She drives him back to the bar and drops him off.

The next week the guy goes back to the same bar and sees her there again. He’s remembering the blowjob and decides he wants to try the real thing this time. He asks, "Hey how much would it cost me to go all the way with you?" She replies, "Come with me." Once again she drives to her house. She takes him inside and opens the curtains of a huge window. She says, "You see that island out there?" He Says, "Yes." She says, "I could pay cash for that island if I had a pussy."


Perseverance Doesn't Always Further
A dejected man walks into his doctor’s office and says he has a major problem. The doctor asks, "What is it?" The man says he can’t have sex. "Why?" asks the doctor. The man replies, "My penis is too long and no woman will go to bed with me." The doctor says: "Let me take a look."

The man lowers his pants and the doctor almost faints. 25 inches of penis. The doctor says, "Sorry but I know of no medical procedure that will help. But, at the edge of town there is a witch who might be able to cast a spell on you."

Still dejected the man leaves the office and says to himself, Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Off to the witch he goes.

He tells her his problem and she too wants to see. She says, "I’m afraid there is no spell I can cast that will help. But, if you go behind my house into the woods, You will see a pond. On the far shore you will see a big ugly frog. Ask her to marry you. If she says 'No', your penis will shrink by 5 inches."

The men leaves and finds the pond, and lo and behold there is the frog on the far shore.

He yells, "Hey frog, will you marry me?" She replies, "NO!"

He feels a tingle, looks inside his pants and is amazed. His penis has shrunk to 20 inches. He says to himself, It worked, but it is still too long.

He yells again, "Hey frog, will you marry me?" Again the frog replies, NO!

He feels the tingle again and sure enough his penis has shrunk another 5 inches to 15.

He says to himself. That’s great, but still not enough. He yells again, "Frog, will you marry me?" Completely out of patience, the frog yells back, "For the last time, No, no, no!"


Size, Again. . .
Three men are driving down the road and they get pulled over by the police. The cop walks up to them and tells them that they were speeding but he says he’ll let them go if they have 21 inches of penis-length between all three of them.

The first guy pulls down his pants and proudly displays a ten-inch organ. The second guy pulls his pants down revealing another ten-incher. The third pulls his out and it’s only one inch long. So the cop lets them go.

As they’re driving down the road again the first guy says to the others, "You guys are lucky I had 10 inches." The second guy says to the other two, "You’re lucky I also have 10 inches." The third guy says to the other two, "You guys are just lucky I had a hard-on."


Q&A 1
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brain.


DIY
A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, and I need something to make sure I stay horny and potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked "Viagra, Extra Strength" and says, "Here, take one of these and you’ll go nuts for 12 hours!" The man says, "Great, Give me three boxes."

The next day, the man returns to the same pharmacy. He rushes back to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s penis is black and blue, and the skin is rubbed off in places. The guy says, "I think I need a package of Ben Gay." The pharmacist says, "BEN GAY??II You’re not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?" The guy replies, "No, it’s for my arms, the girls didn’t show up."


Truth, at Last
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I’ve got some good news and some bad news," God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I’ve got two new organs for you, One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me.
What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."


Q&A 2
Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
A: Ugly sheep.

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